The New Social Worker Vol. 20, No. 1, Winter 2013 | Page 27
years ago, a co-worker observed that I
treated people nicely, too nicely. “You’re
not going to make it here,” she said,
“You have to be firm with them,” she
said, meaning the recipients of services.
“There has to be a bottom line.” I mulled
this over for a few minutes. When a good
parent corrects her child, it is done with
love and care and clarity. If the parent
is clear, there is no doubt in the child’s
mind what is intended. There is a bottom
line. Why would the same rule not apply
to adults? Of course I treat people nicely!
What other way is there, if I want them
to hear me?
7. People are doing the best they
can at any moment. So why is it that
sometimes we find it so difficult to have
compassion for another adult, especially
one who has done something of which
we don’t approve? We think they should
have known so much better. However,
every behavior makes some sense if
you take time to look at it. Understanding people makes it easier to care about
them. Everyone is the way they are for
a reason. Help them move to the next
moment when they can do a little better.
Recognize every little step they make in
the right direction. It is not your job to
punish them for their behavior. Shame
doesn’t help them to change. Hope does.
8. People can tell you what they
need. Once in a conversation with a
young mother, I asked what she did well
as a parent. She told me a few things,
then seeing me smile in response, told
me some more. I asked her what was difficult for her. “Well,” she said “I do have
this problem. I yell too much. Sometimes
I just can’t help it.” My answer, “Let’s
talk about how we can help you change
that.” No blame, no shame, no anger,
just listening, caring, and a plan. No one
came away feeling bad.
9. People need to know you care.
Their emotional brain needs you more
than their cognitive brain does. They
don’t really care how much you know
or how important you are. They need to
know you will help them with the stuff
that they have now laid out for you to
see. Let them save face. Let them know
they can change. Think of a time when
things were difficult in your life. It was
the people who showed that they cared
and believed in you that made a difference, wasn’t it, that helped you make the
right choices? You can have appropriate
boundaries and realistic expectations at
the same time as showing compassion.
10. The person of the worker
makes all the difference. Did you ever
think you might be on the other side
of the table? Are you doing this work
because you know how it feels to be
depressed, oppressed, demoralized, or
disenfranchised? Or do you believe that
it is fortunate that you were blessed with
the right parents, the right education?
Coming from either place can be good,
but remember, we all could have been
there if things had played out differently.
Are you being a real human contact for
the families or playing a directing role of
social worker, counselor, teacher? Are
you judging or controlling, instead of
recognizing the person’s human frailties?
People will remember their contact with
you long after you have forgotten them.
Make it meaningful, positive, and heartening for them, even if they have made
some poor choices. You will feel much
better at the end of each day.
If you haven’t read anything by
Insoo Kim Berg or by Andrew Turnell,
please try them. For more personal,
lighter reading, try novelist Bonnie Jo
Campbell’s Q Road or Cheryl Strayed’s
Tiny Beautiful Things. Read anything that
helps you feel good about yourself, or
helps you to feel kind and fair.
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