The Lion's Pride Volume 10 (Spring 2018) | Page 39

We had arguments, which I thought were normal. I do not know of
any couples who do not have occasional disagreements, but our heated
discussions were intensifying. I was walking on eggshells every time my
husband returned from work. I was afraid I would step on an emotional
landmine and it would blow up. I did not know that my husband was
suppressing five years of trauma that he experienced in the field. I did
not know that my husband had been shot at, stabbed in the leg and
physically attacked by a patient that was in transport to a psychiatric
facility. I did not know that he had insomnia and multiple ghosts that
haunted his dreams…ghosts of the ones he could not save.
December of 2014 was especially hard for us. We had a 6-month-old
at home, holidays were quickly approaching, and money was getting
tight. He had been laid off from a private ambulance company the month
before. This made me the main provider for our family and that was hard
for him to bear. You see in the fire industry if you are a man there is an
unspoken expectation that you are responsible for taking care of your
family. He felt that he was not living up to it. I do not remember what
started our argument that evening, most of them were started by
something that we said and it got misinterpreted because both of us were
tired. The argument turned verbally abusing quickly – both of us felt
attacked so we lashed out at each other. I went to pack up my daughter’s
diaper bag with the intention of leaving. He had the intention of keeping
me at home and resolving our disagreement. When I would not stop