Editor’s Note: Step Three states that we “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.” This is one S.L.A.A. member’s concept of God.
My name is John Doe and I am a woman addict, rooted in a hyperactive sexual desire disorder.
I feel powerless, out of control, and sexually compulsive when it comes to certain women and I act out in the following ways:
● Frequent self-gratification and compulsive sexual behavior.
● Emotional dependency on women I hardly know.
● Obsession with online dating websites and other outlets to seek the attention from attractive women including serial dating, Facebook messaging, and texting flirtatiously.
● Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....Yes, my behavior is psychotic.
● Entertaining the idea that sex and attention from women is a mood altering drug.
● The disregard of boundaries of female friends and acquaintances on a physical and emotional level.
I have been dishonest and emotionally manipulative to gain the attention of women.
So far, I am 4 days sober, and I am grateful for our Heavenly Father’s loving discipline and furious love for me to beat this. I am grateful for my church and the support of friends and family around me.
What my addiction is NOT:
● I am NOT a pervert. Most women I know and interact with are safe. This is NOT pedophilia in any way, shape, or form. This is a chemical imbalance rooted in feelings of inadequacy, depression, and anxiety in my interaction with specific women in their 20’s. In my case, I am considered a level one addict. Level one addicts have a specific drug, therefore I have a very specific taste in a type of female. It is a mild case of a very progressive disease, in which I am capable of setting boundaries with women I do not find appealing. However, when it comes to the women I find attractive, I am willing to cross the line into inappropriate behaviors in order to achieve the high, which comes from attention and sexual arousal.
This arousal releases the same chemical in the brain as cocaine. The most fortunate factor is that I am tackling this addiction and recovering early, whereas if I hadn’t, this could have progressed into a world of no boundaries. Recently, I’ve attended Sexaholics Anonymous meetings and I have seen what I could have become 20 years down the road — or 10 years, 5 years, 3 years, a couple of weeks? It terrified me.
My road to recovery is not based on a set of religious, legalistic rules. This is based on the opposite — the grace of God. I’ve been reproached about this issue in my life in the past, but by a spirit of religion. I ignored it because it put a bad taste in my mouth. Behavior modification based on a sin management program — there is no love in this kind of reproach. Fix yourself and draw close to God? No way. Fix yourself because God is already in you. My mind is changed. I now realize this area of my life doesn’t need to be conformed to be a ‘better Christian’, but because I already have Christ in me. It doesn’t fit with who I really am on the inside — my identity in Christ.
Jacob cheated. Peter had a temper. Noah got drunk. Jonah ran from God. Paul committed murder. Moses stuttered. Miriam gossiped. Thomas doubted. Sara was impatient. Zacchaeus was short. Abraham was old. Lazarus was dead......I’m an addict of women and sex.
God doesn’t choose the qualified, He qualifies the chosen.
— JOHN DOE
Grace
in My Addiction
19
the Journal, Issue #146