Yes, that’s a tough order, but it is one of my bottom lines and it can be done!
I do not engage in any sexual activity without a verbal conversation about the relationship in the light of day with both feet on the floor. We need to know each other well enough to feel comfortable committing to monogamy and not dating anyone else.
● I dress conscientiously. As I’m dressing for a date I ask myself, “What am I communicating about who I am and the kind of woman I am? How on earth can I expect a man to take it slow when I’m baring ¾ of my breasts over dinner?” Now, I prefer to go with classy sexy vs. blatantly sexy. And just as a side bar, I always go to my S.L.A.A. meetings dressed as conservatively as I possibly can.
● I practice impeccable self-care all the time. In the past, when I’ve gotten lost in a relationship, I’ve given up important steps in my own self-care — particularly sleep. Or I don’t take such great care of myself when I’m not in a relationship because it doesn’t matter anyhow. I don’t value myself so much unless I’m in a relationship. Not anymore. I take care of myself no matter what.
My self-care is non-negotiable. I don’t give up me to take care of thee/he. I have to take care of me first. Here’s what I need regularly: The time necessary to work my program of recovery aggressively every single day, to make my recovery calls; to get adequate sleep, rest, nutrition, exercise/activity; and to have a peaceful environment and moderate pace of life to flourish in.
How I feel and what I think matter the most. I cannot change who I am to make certain he likes me. I have to be me and take care of myself and if he likes me great. If not, that’s great too. I get to move on to someone who will be more appropriate for me.
● I stay grounded in reality and avoid getting into my fantasy at all costs. Enmeshment and fantasy are the deadly duo when it comes to dating. I make certain I see myself for who I am and that I see the person I’m dating for who they are, not what I want to make them up to be in my diseased mind or not who I wish they were. I’m dating a real person, not a fantasy person. I need to keep my feet firmly planted in reality. Working my program diligently every day helps me to do this. When I see red flags, I have to admit them to my sponsor and most of my recovery partners. This helps me stay in reality.
● I avoid drinking alcohol on most dates. It is impossible for me to keep my boundaries, practice healthy pacing and keep my focus on reality if I’ve had even one glass of alcohol. Therefore I choose not to drink on most dates and when I do I only have one glass of wine.
This is a gift I give myself. I also like to see the reaction my date has to my choice to abstain. Their response is a huge indicator of how important drinking is to them. If they are uncomfortable with me not drinking, that’s a red flag to me.
● I avoid slippery situations at all costs. My sobriety comes first. If a situation doesn’t feel right, then it probably isn’t. I have the right to be comfortable and to feel safe. When a guy tells me he wants to cook me dinner at his place early on, I see the reality of the situation and tell him I will definitely look forward to that when I’ve gotten to know him a little bit better.
● I accept that if I can’t break up then I’m not ready to date. Breaking up and moving on is just a part of healthy dating. Not everyone is perfect for us. I knew my breakup skills had to be excellent otherwise I would stay in unhealthy or inappropriate relationships too long. And just avoiding their phone calls is not acceptable for me.
● And finally I practice “The Hippocratic Oath of Dating,” which is, “Above all else, do no harm.” When it comes to dating, it is definitely a jungle out there. I do my very best not to be one of the many crazies who makes life miserable for others.
I like to take the high road. After all, it is much less crowded up there. I try to keep it light and fun and take my time getting to know someone. There is no rush and, just like car collisions, the faster you go, the more damage you do. Dating is the same way. All of these points tie together to make for great damage control. I take care of myself and in that process I’m usually taking better care of the person I’m dating as well.
When I put all these items into practice I have serenity in dating. I have fun and I don’t give love such a bad name. These tools help me to stay sober and actually enjoy dating whether I make a “love connection” or not.
—ANONYMOUS, ORANGE COUNTY, CA
the Journal, Issue #146
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