COVER STORY | ATTACHMENT DADDYING
“I WILL
NEVER
DISCIPLINE
IN FRONT
OF PEOPLE.
I NEVER
WANT TO
EMBARRASS
HIM,”
also help to build the baby’s mirror neurons,
says Jan. Mirror neurons are cells in the brain
that fire when we observe an action being
performed by another human — you see
someone scratch their nose and all of a sudden
your nose is itchy. “The mirror neurons are
really what helps set up the baby’s brain, the
social brain especially,” Jan adds. “The baby
learns who he is through what he experiences
through interactions with the parents.
And the baby will respond to these types of
interactions. It’s a very important connection.”
And Jan points out, it’s not just the
interactions with the mother that’s important
— dads can play a huge role as well. Shaun
knows first-hand the importance of physical
touch and being present. “I’m not a ‘rough and
tough’ dad. I hug my son, and kiss him and tell
him I love him all the time.” Shaun also places
importance on the time he gets to spend with
each of his kids. For example, Shaun is an integral part of Zion’s bedtime
routine. “At that moment, it’s our one-on-one time together. That’s the
last thing he remembers before he goes to bed and the first thing he
thinks of when he wakes up — my dad is always there.”
As for little Soul, he’s not above feeling left out. “At the beginning, it’s
very difficult for me. Melissa gets all the attention — what about me!
But when I do get to hold her I really try to mimic how Melissa holds her
so she feels safe. I also talk to her a lot. It’s not very manly.”
Dr. Sears also argues that discipline will be much easier and
happen more naturally if the child already has that foundation of
a secure attachment. “Discipline is more about building the right
theholisticparent.ca
relationship with your child than using the
right techniques. You want to put into place a
guidance system that keeps the child in check
at age four and keeps his behavior on track
at age forty, and you want this system to be
integrated into the child’s whole personality,
a part of him or her,” says Dr. Sears in The
Discipline Book.
“I call it ‘conscious parenting,’” says Jan.
“It’s an awareness of their child’s needs and
an understanding that the behaviours they’re
seeing are coming from a need.” Jan says
it’s important to understand that behaviour
stems from a need. “If a child is whiny, they
may be expressing a need for, say, touch or
connection,” she says. “So when the child
comes to the parent asking a question or
showing some artwork, the parent can stop
what they’re doing and give that child a little
bit of attention. That simple interaction can go
a long way. Otherwise, you get into a situation
where the child may start to feel unwanted or
not loved.”
For Shaun, discipline is not about ruling
with an iron fist. “Instead of raising my voice,
I will come down to his level. I get