Dear mary : Ask a mediator by Mary Delmage
Conversations with a PURPOSE
Dear Readers : For those of you who were not able to attend the CAI National Meeting in San Diego this April , I ’ d like to share with you some thoughts from a presentation that I did on working with difficult people . Yes , we all have those folks in our communities who are hard to get along with and sometimes it barely seems worth it to try to interact with them productively . One of the ideas that I presented is that it ’ s important to go into conversations with a clear , realistic goal in mind . For example , if you are discussing a maintenance issue , your goal might be for them to agree to a certain timeframe for accomplishing their tasks . Or if it ’ s a financial issue , you may wish that they would simply bring their account current immediately , however that may not be possible . A more achievable goal might be to work on a payment schedule that they can actually manage . Be prepared to listen carefully to their concerns . Remember , listening and making sure that they know they ’ ve been heard is not the same as agreeing .
I offer you the following road map for more productive conversations with the most difficult folks . I call it a Conversation with a PURPOSE and it goes like this :
Privacy : Don ’ t try to confront a difficult situation when you have an audience . Privacy allows people to be more flexible in their positions and permits them to make concessions without losing face .
Understanding : Make sure that you fully understand the other person ’ s point of view before you present your complaint or request . Without exception , every mediation that I ’ ve conducted one or more of the participants has complained that their point of view was never heard or understood . Listening accomplishes two very important objectives . First , you almost always learn new information about the situation . Also , when you take the time to truly listen to their concerns , it makes them much more likely to be flexible in coming up with workable solutions .
Reactions : Take a moment to
Conversations with a PURPOSE
• Privacy
• Understanding
• Reactions
• Perspective
• Outcomes
• Solutions
• Exit pause and look at your own reactions . You want to take a deep breath and manage your own emotional response to the situation . For example , you may be irritated or even angry , however , it ’ s important not to allow your emotions to derail the conversation . Revisit your goal : If your goal is to have them agree to a workable payment plan , your irritation or anger won ’ t get you any closer to that outcome .
Perspective : This is the time to clearly spell out your perspective on the situation . It is the time to be empathetic , but factual . Don ’ t debate the information that they ’ ve provided , rather offer factual information and explain your goal . A sample word track might go something like this : “ I understand that it ’ s been a difficult time for you and I really appreciate you taking the time to explain it to me . My goal here is to see if we can come up with a plan that will bring you current within the next 90 days ( or six months or whatever time frame the board has agreed to .)” Also , this is the time to explain that the association relies on these funds to pay for services such as maintenance , insurance and other expenses that must be paid on an on-going basis . The board has the legal responsibility to collect dues and assessment from all homeowners and manage the finances so that everyone ’ s property values are maintained . Uncollected dues can have a negative impact on the entire community .
Outcomes : It is also important to spell out any consequences such as collection efforts , legal action or lose of privileges that will occur .
Solutions : Steer the conversation toward solutions that both sides can live with . You may need to offer some concessions in order to negotiate a workable agreement . It is always a good idea to put the agreement in written form shortly after the meeting . A short e-mail or note outlining what was agreed to helps everyone remember and comply the terms .
Exit : These should be fairly short conversations . If you can keep the discussion to 15 or 20 minutes , it will be less stressful and easier on you and everyone
HOA else .
Conversations with a PURPOSE
I would love to hear from you ! Please send your questions to ASK A MEDIATOR in care of HOA Quarterly to Ask . Mary @ wave2marketing . com . Mary will respond to all of your questions and we will publish selected letters in the next issue of HOA Quarterly .
Mary Delmege Mediator / Trainer Ms . Delmege has mediated several hundred cases including HOA matters and small business disputes . She has a high rate of success in helping disputing parties develop practical solutions to difficult problems . Ms . Delmege is a member of the San Diego County Superior Court ’ s Civil Mediation Panel . She is the author of Working with Difficult People , a practical guide to working with various difficult personalities . She also teaches mediation and conflict resolution , using lessons learned from her mediation practice and training .
Please visit my website www . marydelmege . com or call for a free consultation 760-504-7977
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