you had the magic wand to go back in time? I’m sure we all have several of those moments. After being accepted into medical school, my marriage ended abruptly when adultery tore us apart and I found out he had gotten a woman pregnant. This devastated me and I instantly blamed myself, thinking it must have been my inadequacy causing him to repeatedly cheat on me. Despite him telling me how beautiful he found me, he cheated. Despite how he held me close at night and said “I love you”, he cheated. Insecurity welled up inside me as I internalized all of this as MY FAILURE. We tend to carry baggage of this nature around with us for years allowing it to keep us toxic. Some turn to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, etc to mask the pain of inadequacy. I began stuffing the pain down with Little Debbie Zebra cakes, chips, pizza, etc. as food became my false sense of healing. I know you can identify with this in some way or another as well.
Eventually, after bouncing from one failed relationship to another, I found cocaine as my new best friend and relied on it to keep me numb from my pain. After finding myself entangled in a domestic abuse relationship, I was stripped of any value I had left for myself. I quickly began a quest for something I would never find. I was looking for validation from anyone that was willing to supply it. Lost and ashamed of the person I had transformed into behind the cocaine, I was on the streets running from myself and my insanely raw truth. One morning I was in the wrong neighborhood at the wrong time doing the wrong things and was attacked and lost control of my car. I did not start my day intending to kill somebody, but it happened. She’s gone forever, because I killed her. This was my moment of truth, my absolute rock bottom. I passed out from shock, sleep deprivation and trauma, hoping desperately to awaken to discover it was just a nightmare. However, her death became a reality when I woke up in the hospital to my mom hovering over me crying. As I lifted my arms to hug her, I felt the cold, angry, relentless steel around my wrist which bound me to the gurney. The Mistie everyone loved, respected and admired years ago was gone. The girl I saw peering back at me in the toxic mirror was selfish, manipulating and unrecognizable… I was scared of her!
I found myself sitting in prison facing a forty year sentence for vehicular homicide. Although I’ve never been suicidal, I felt guilty for being alive, didn’t know how to live with the guilt, or even how to live without the cocaine coursing