respiratory issues, and required twenty-four hour around the clock care. I didn’t understand why back then, but I had a hard time bonding with her in the first few weeks of her life. I sat with my family day after day at the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) as she was put on a cooling pad, placed on an oscillator and hooked up to machines and wires. Although my heart was grieving, I experienced joy as my daughter held her for the very first time, days after her birth. I loved her beyond measure but somehow felt disconnected. I suddenly realized I felt guilty, that I was somehow responsible for this! The devil convinced me her tragic birth injuries were my fault, I mean, the dates couldn’t have been coincidence, could they?
After realizing I was letting my TOXIC past rob me of my future, I knew I had to make some changes to release the SHAME and GUILT. I decided to rewrite my book from a dark tone of blame and anger to a new tone of accountability and forgiveness. I made a conscious decision to FORGIVE myself for the accident and move forward with my life so I could enjoy the road ahead instead of looking in the rear-view mirror constantly. Me blaming myself for her birth injuries and grieving from the culpability I felt, forced me to make a pivot in my life to truly LIVE again.
We started calling Eliana our Hummingbird because when the oscillator machine did the breathing for her the first week of her life, her lungs fluttered very fast, like hummingbird wings. Every time she would get sick, go into the hospital, or have a surgery, people on social media started posting pictures of hummingbirds