The Gay UK | Page 13

Imagine if I have "peaked in campness" now, with so many years left to live - nightmare! S o… So Many Men So Little Time, we’re getting a theme here with your hits - all to do with man loving, (girl after our own heart)... So what are you looking for this time, someone Macho? Toy Boyish? or other? Actually now I'm looking for someone gorgeous with a big big BIG heart! Lips that are juicy and chewy, a touch that is firm but gentle... I'm crazy and emotional, I need passion, warmth and soul. I want eyes that I can melt in and a chest I can lie on and weep on and sleep on and a body I can feast on. Forever... Sorry Did I say that out loud? 5/5 She’s an animal. Someone get this woman a man... Stat! What’s your feelings about grown men in Onesies? Hmmm I actually got to see quite a few this year and they were men of all different shapes and sizes. They looked ridiculous, but comfortable, so it was kind of sweet really. 4/5 Come on now Sinitta, ridiculous is the word... Comfortable and fashion are two words that should never be heard together... You should know that! Do you know what ‘Sounding' is? NO! Explain to Sinitta that it involves men’s bits and a metal rod... Even with the clues - just NO! No idea! 2/5 The naive mind is a precious place. Once you’ve seen it - you can’t un-see it. Have you ever given or tried to give fashion advice to Simon Cowell? Of course! 3/5 And does he listen? We think you need to take scissors to his high wasted jeans and cut cut cut. What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever read about yourself? Oh dear, ok latest one is that Simon has me gagged so I can't talk about stuff. How can you GAG THE MOUTH?!! Anyway, it’s not true, I actually exercise my own censorships and discretions, it’s Louis who needs a Gag! And a Bit, and a Bridle! 6/5 Love that she’s referred to herself as THE MOUTH. Extra points for the capitalisation but we’ve deducted some points for the mental image of Louis in a gag, bit and bridle. The biggest pain in the world is… a) Simon Cowell b) Child birth, or c) Getting a tropical plant’s leaf stuck in a place that it shouldn’t be? This one’s easy, a Broken Heart. That thing can just ache and ache and ache for such a long time, you wonder if you will EVER be the same again. But TRUTH is, eventually you will get better and it will be ok. 4/5 White wine heals