THEGAYUK APRIL/MAY ISSUE 3
2014
MARRIAGE SPECIAL
I DO: DON’TS
OF MARRIAGE
by Chris Bridges
Now, I’m not one to rain on anyone’s
parade and I’m the first to shout out a
resounding YES to the fact that we have
marriage equality now. I’m stunned that
I’ve seen so many changes in societal
attitudes since my teenage years 20 plus
years ago. I’m all for liberty, equality and
freedom of expression. Except when it
comes to bad taste.
There’s just one issue in this whole thing. I may
now get more wedding invites and I bloody hate
weddings. I dodge, feign illness and fake deaths
(including my own): just to avoid these oftenhorrible things. They’re just not my thing at all.
One sniff of a fat uncle dancing with a small
child to ‘Come on Eileen’ or the oily drip of a
99% oil chocolate fountain and I’m running for
cover.
Here’s my top five wedding don’ts for
those planning to tie the knot:
Eskimo/Native American/Self penned
love poems:
OK, We get it. We know you’re quite fond of
each other but we do not want to regurgitate our
lunch. If you need to recite little poems to each
other then there’s a time and a place… maybe
just before you are both put to death by lethal
injection for mawkish bad taste? Is that a crime
punishable by death? I hope so.
Bizarre Outfits: OK, so your mother’s cousin’s
milkman’s best friend was Scottish or at least he
once shared a lift with someone from Perth, but
this is no reason to wear a kilt, especially if you
haven’t got good knees. Cummerbunds, tuxedos,
matching suits, pastel shades: they’re fine as an
ironic statement but not to have in photographs
that we’re quite frankly all going to be wincing at
before we’ve even recovered from our hangovers.
56
The Chocolate Fountain:
Unless this is a euphemism for
some nefarious sexual practice
that you and your guests will
all enjoy then no. Just no. OK?
It’s dirty, unhygienic and just
plain oily.
Wedding lists: Save up for it
like the rest of us. The world
doesn’t owe you a living. Have
you not heard of payday
lending and credit cards or just
getting a job? Maybe you could
sell a kidney or take to the
streets with a bowl? It’s a more
honest form of begging. I
recently went to a wedding
where the list contains items
such as wide screen TVs,
washing machines and a shed.
I kid you not.
Bankrupt your guests: OK,
You’re getting married. That’s
lovely. We’d love to come. Oh,
the wedding is in Lapland? We
have to attend a weeklong stag
do in Borneo? We need a
minimum £50 gift spend, not
to mention the new outfits and
the stint in rehab after that stag
do? That’s fine. We’ll shelve
those plans to move out of our
hovel/ever own a home/ have a
decent holiday. It’s not like the
divorce stats are 50/50 is it?
We’ll play along and don’t
worry about that new hip we
were planning on buying.
Apart from all that. Have
a great day, whatever your
wedding. ∎