THEGAYUK APRIL/MAY ISSUE 3
2014
AUNTIE FRANCES
And you
think you’ve
got
problems...
Dear Aunty Frances,
I’m planning a wedding, but fear
that it may end up in a terrible
mess. My family is known for
having a few too many drinks
and then getting rowdy and very
touchy feely, whereas my
partner’s family is a little more
reserved. They are highly
religious folks.
What should I do?
Corben, Trent
Sounds awfully exciting. I’d
invite the eternally
judgemental & pious Jeremy
Kyle and accompanying TV
crew and sell the rights to the
ITV morning team for the
ensuing drama that is bound
to unfurl at your nuptials.
Darling if you need an MC
I’m available and contrary to
popular belief I’m not
particularly expensive. I can
even do you a deal if there’s a
good bottle of Pinot G with
my name on it.
Can I suggest that you ensure
that you put the guests most
likely to heckle towards the
front. There is nothing better
than
watching the
best man die
slowly inside as
he loses the
crowd. Those
self important
bastards.
Can I also
suggest you
put guest
who are
most likely to
wear Nylon towards the
fire exits. I once had a
‘incident’ with a Nylon
wearer, when I was flicking
fag ash mid convo.
The good news is she’s still
alive and much of her body
was saved from 3rd degree
burns thanks to the quick
thinking stewards who threw
a bucket of sand over her.
As for religious folks, try not
to have butt sex in front of
them. It tends to upset their
blessed little hearts. Instead
try crucifix's on the front
lawn. Showing an
understanding of their
culture will surely put you in
their good books.
Dear Auntie Frances, my partner
and I have been civilly partnered
for years and yesterday he
suggested that we upgrade our
partnership to a marriage.
However I was actually planning
to split with him, as I’ve been
unhappy for some time. He is rich
and well connected but that’s no
reason to stay with someone is it?
Colin, Macclesfield xxx
Colin my darling churup, you
have much to learn. You’re
listening too much to your
136
heart
and not
enough to your wallet.
Now, normally I would say
dump the dumpling as soon
as you feel as the love is over,
but in