The Gay UK Issue 2 : MR GAY UK | Page 134

THEGAYUK FEB/MARCH 2014 AUNTIE FRANCES And you think you’ve got problems... Dear Aunty Frances, I have had lots of experience with meeting guys but never keeping them. I fear that the problem may be my smelly feet. I am at a desperate end since a recent visit to one of those mini nibbling fish salons where the fish were meant to nibble away the dead skin, however as soon as I placed my feet into the tank they all swam to the sides trying to jump out but couldn't, due to the high walled tank, then died. The shop didn't even offer me a refund. Please help! Desperate Derek. Blugh! Please... My dearest Derek, it’s no wonder the fellows have been fleeing your festering feet. Quite clearly there’s some form of medical issue here. Now I may not be a medical professional but in my opinion GO AND SEE YOUR DOCTOR instead of filling my inbox with images of gangrenous feet. Those poor Garra Rufa didn’t stand a chance when you polluted their waters with rotting lumps of Brie! However I’m on your side regarding refunds. If you’re not provided with a 134 service you’ve paid for then money is due! My top tip for getting money from fellas, that often don’t service me correctly, is to grab them by the peach protruding short and curlies when they bend over to pick up their pants. You then slowly pull until they grab their wallet instead! This usually happens very quickly. Next Patient... Dear Auntie I've never written to an Agony Aunt before so please be gentle with me. I think I may have a problem as I spend a lot of time alone in my room, entertaining myself. I'm addicted to chat rooms and even found excitement looking at your gorgeous picture in the last issue. What can I do to stop myself? I'm exhausted! Richard. Richard my darling I’m always gentle and caring to my readers. Now first of all, there is no shame in taking pleasure with oneself especially as the world today is full of stimulation for any young lad. You certainly shouldn’t just stop using chatrooms, instead why not try to reduce your time online by 5 minutes each session? Take each day as it comes. I’m flattered that my golden locks have made your day, or 20 seconds, and so am posting you a life sized cardboard cut out, of yours truly, to adorn your room. Enjoy, Frances x Right has he gone? What a dirty young man - spending all those hours in chat rooms and the thought of someone soiling my good image on a nightly basis. I can hear you asking readers, if I’m so disgusted then why send him a cardboard cut out of myself? Well it’s what I call a ‘damage limitation gift’. Whilst he’s at home fluffing his mini milk over my gorgeous cut out, he’s not on the streets trying to hunt me down for sex games. The internet has been a god send for keeping men like him off the streets from causing real harm. The money I’ve saved on pepper spray thanks to these cardboard cut outs is truly staggering. Till next time my dears Frances x ∎ Auntie Frances is an unlicensed, unqualified, drunken lush, who wants to here from you, and you shouldn’t take any of her advice… Ever. Send her an email to: [email protected] Photos © Auntie Frances - keep your thieving mitts off. I know I’m lush, but a girl’s gotta make a living.