The Gay UK Issue 1 | Page 143

THEGAYUK WINTER 13 /14 Issue 1 And you think you’ve got problems... Dear Auntie Frances ! I work for a mid priced, comfy shoe retailer on the high street. I've worked there for 5 years since I was 18 - and nobody knows I'm gay, the girls in the shop have asked, but so far I've denied it. Yesterday one of the old dears who comes in for her sensible slippers called me 'ringer for Julian Clary’ all the ladies who work in the shop laughed. But I'm a bit miffed. Who is Julian Clary? And why did all my colleagues titter so? ! ! ! Tim, aged 23 High Wycombe ! My advice is to remove your glittery, toe-tapping, musical going, camp lil’ power bottom - from the rock under which you reside and move away from High Wycombe. Dear boy, you’ll die like a grape on the vine. You’re one of god’s gays now - fly my pretty, fly. ! Oh Dear Terry, I’ve lightly fingered through the enclosed catalogue (and I noted the recycled / ethical feel to the paper) you sent from your ‘comfy’ shoe shop and to be honest dear the goods look more like the packaging I get in the box protecting my new Jimmy Choos. Do they sell Jimmy Choos in High Wycombe? Probs not. ! Julian Clary is a National Trinket. But you are young and you will learn. Lastly, Your colleagues are laughing at you, as is the entire nation. P.s. (Editor, don’t print this) Terry can you send a pair of the nice sling backs, with the Velcro on page 32. Fetching. ! ! Dear Auntie Frances My partner (together for 5 years) and I are trying for a baby, but it doesn't seem to be working for us. Obviously we know we can't naturally conceive because we're both men, so we've been talking to lesbian friends to see if they're interested in being our surrogate. None of them want to be. What's wrong with us? Do you think we're coming on too strong? Or should we maybe cross the pond to America to try and find a surrogate? ! Tom & Dick 32 and 38 Ashby De La Zouch ! ! Dear Tom and Dick, Firstly I would call in an exorcist to rid you of your unnatural brooding need for children and secondly ask that you to turn to Vodka and lots of it. ! It’s the only way dears. Clearly this has worked for me over the years. ! Why on earth would you want to have children? Have you not seen those hideous Argos adverts? Ooo it sends shivers, it really does. ! Why on earth would you want the world to revolve around another person or worse - gaggle of little people? ! Those constantly needy, greedy little eyes and chocolate covered fingers making the Lladró grubby. No, no dears, get yourself a house boy, much more entertaining – and generally, I hear, they’re house-trained and they come in a variety of names, which is a boon. ! P.S I had to look up the word ‘surrogate’, I actually thought it was somewhere south of Harrogate. My mistake. ∎   Auntie Frances is an unlicensed, unqualified, drunken lush, who wants to here from you, and you shouldn’t take any of her advice… Ever. Send her an email to: [email protected] Photos © Auntie Frances - keep your thieving mitts off. I know I’m lush, but a girl’s gotta make a living. 143