THEGAYUK WINTER 13 /14 Issue 1
QUESTIONS
SHOULD WE HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP?
DILEMMAS
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Dear Dilemmas,
By Barry Heap
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. Over the past
few weeks we have been arguing constantly. He hadn’t been
with any guys before me and felt that he’d missed out on a
lot. He says he loves me but needs more. He’s suggested that
we have an open relationship and that we’re both free to go
with other men. I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone
else. I’m not sure if it’s what I want from a relationship but
I’m afraid if I don’t agree to it, he’ll just cheat on me and
leave anyway. If I do agree to it, he might meet someone else.
Jack
Hi Jack,
It sounds like there is a lot happening for your
relationship right now. All relationships, family
sexual or romantic, go through changes and have to
adapt along with the people in them. As part of this we
need to renegotiate the terms and what we want from
them. Although this may sound very cold and logical,
of course it isn’t when it comes to relationships.
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From what you say. It sounds like your boyfriend is
still exploring his own sexual identity, you were the
first person he slept with and has been faithful for the
past three years. He is keen to experience sex with
other guys but he still wants the security and intimacy
that he obviously gets from being with you.
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The good news is you are both talking clearly about
what you want. The channels of communication are
very much open. You’ve discussed opening the
relationship and the ramifications but has he said
specifically what he’s missed out on? It may be worth
seeing if there is a specific aspect of sex that he wants
to experiment. It may be something that you may want
to try.
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It sounds like from your letter that you are not keen on
the concept of an open relationship and that you would
have insecurities about where it would lead. However
you have also not dismissed the concept outright. This
needs to be given equal weight in your discussion. As
much as he has the desire to change the relationship,
it’s ok if you don’t want to.
It feels like it would be a good decision for you to talk
clearly about the practicalities of it:
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Would he tell the men that he is in an open
relationship?
Will you discuss who, where and when?
Would you do this before or after?
In terms of the guys he will be meeting, would they
just be one off encounters?
Safe sex is also a vital part of this discussion. From
doing this it will help you to make a decision based on
fact and not from fear.
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As I said earlier, all relationships will change and
adapt. The discussion about opening the relationship is
fluid. It may be the case that you try being open. If it
doesn’t work for you, then you can always bring this
back to the table, you can always discuss closing the
relationship again.
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Open relationships aren’t for everyone; they require a
high degree of trust and understanding.
Hopefully it gives both partners what
they need to feel fulfilled. ∎
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Got a
relationship
question?
Email Barry on
138
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