an educator , you become a bridge-builder , you become an apologist , a defender . But I didn ’ t want to play the apology game , right ? It ’ s exhausting . And it ’ s , like , humiliating .”
“ So you said that your experience after 9 / 11 was a training ground …. Now 20 years later , what did that training not prepare you for ?” asked Sanders .
“ That training doesn ’ t prepare us to invest in joy , to think about your long-term health and the dreams that sometimes get deferred ,” explained Waj . “ That training does not prepare you for the crushing realization that sometimes no matter how hard you work , … you ’ ll be dealing with the same demons 20 years later ... that the demons will simply evolve and mutate …. The work is ongoing . It never stops .”
Sanders said , “ What you realize , and what a lot of activists have said in the last few years is , like , at some point , you ’ re tired , and cannot do it all , and you have to just stop and take care of you ... there will always be some inequity to fight , to fix . But also , maybe you just take a nap . Like that ’ s allowed …. I have covered activism and activists on and off throughout my time as a journalist . This latest crop — they believe in self-care , and I ’ m like , good for you . You should . Life is long and hard .”
Waj replied , “… oftentimes we measured success , our generation , through martyrdom …. Look how many arrows I took for you . Look how I suffer . Look how I bleed . Look , I ’ m dead . And I said , I don ’ t want you dead …. Every time I ’ m invited to speak , I always tell people , invest in joy . You have to make the intention , and , almost like exercise , you have to put in the discipline . … to say I deserve to be happy .
“ And if I invest in joy and find joy , it means I ’ m happy , my family ’ s happy . The next generation of writers , authors , activists are looking at my model and saying , oh , this is attractive to me and sustainable . And this is how we will win — goes back to the Bugs Bunny model . We ’ re always taught to be like Daffy Duck . What happens to Daffy ? The animal always drops on his head . With Bugs , he fights back … with the carrot at the end , and he looks at the camera and goes , ‘ What ’ s up doc ?’ And that ’ s how I want to fight back . I want to have the last laugh , the last word , and the last smile .”
I am not sure if I will ever be able to think , “ I deserve joy .” For me , that ’ s a little cliche , like saying everything happens for a reason . I think we as humans strive to make reason out of what happens . I do , however , understand joy as a responsibility . When her daddy died , I asked our daughter what I could do . She said , “ Just be okay , Mom . Just be okay .”
Joy , sorrow , anger , laughter — they are all contagious . So , for my family , I will seek joy and laughter .
Dolores Montgomery Halbin , RN , BSN , and Ordained Nurse Minister resides in SW Missouri . After her husband passed in 2015 , she retired from nursing . She worked with the 2014-2018 Missouri campaigns for legalized medical marijuana . She continues as a cannabis reform activist volunteering with Canna Convict Project and working toward Federal decriminalization through educational speaking and freelance journalism . Dolores Halbin ,
doloreshalbin @ gmail . com .