Lifting the Veil – A letter to Mama
Mommy,
My sisters and I made breakfast for you this morning. We made eggs and waffles just the way you like it. I know that you have been working hard lately and have been sad, we just miss you so much. I hope that you will feel better soon and enjoy the food we made just for you. After breakfast we cleaned up the kitchen and I made sure my sisters cleaned their rooms and read for 20 minutes. I hope that you are proud of me.
Love, your children!
The note was taped on my bedroom door. My sleep was prematurely disrupted by a series of knocks on the door, despite having rested for only a few hours. My evening was affected by intrusive thoughts and occasional tears. I just needed a moment to compose myself before facing my children. They were among the few who were aware that my life was characterized by significant sadness, which I concealed with artificial smiles and demanding work outside of the secure environment of our home. If I could not be vulnerable with my children, then who could I be vulnerable with? Afterall, my mother was vulnerable with me, as her mother had been vulnerable with her during a time when children were taught it was safer to be seen and not heard. What I could not do was allow this emotional cloud to hover over our home any longer. I grabbed my journal and allowed the 10 year old girl inside of me to write my mother a letter.
Dear mom,
Where are you? Where did you go and why did you leave us? I see your body here in the apartment every day, but I cannot help but wonder where the sound of your laughter is, or the smiles that would warm the room. I cannot even hear you yelling at us to keep the noise down. Instead, the apartment is filled with sobs and occasional steps across the floor. While I have deep affection for my
By Jeanette Blake, MSW, LCSW
brother, it is quite challenging for a child to care for him, particularly when there is a lack of adequate food in the refrigerator. I was going to ask the neighbor for food, but I know how angry you get when I do that. I know you are sad and hurting but I am sad and hurting too. I am struggling to understand what happened to you. Maybe if you talk to someone instead of talking with your sad friends that you do drugs with you would be happy again. Mom, I love you and I miss you. My siblings and I need you and we want you to be Well from within.
Note: The adult version of me understands that you did the best you knew how. You managed to survive during tumultuous life experiences. You were not given the tools to heal from your childhood adversities, thus you did what you were exposed to, what felt right to you with hopes of being a good mom. I forgive you and I honor your gifts. Your time on this earth has passed but your love and courage will live on.
I took the steps to break the generational cycle of living with mental health challenges by identifying the illness and treating the root cause with professional assistance. Our future generations will experience a legacy of holistic healing.
Love, your daughter.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:6-7( NIV)
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