The Cornerstone The Cornerstone February 2018 | Page 25

THE CORNERSTONE
Est. 10,000 BC
Satire Issue 1
REPORT BROUGHT TO YOU BY EMILY
AINSWORTH
JUST IN! HOLD YOUR CHILDREN! BE WARNED!
VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING.
T
his Valentine’s Day is going to be Love’s bloodiest
battle yet.
Already, men and women across the globe have
been scrounging about for a significant other to celebrate the
day with. Lovers are being fought over. Punches are being
thrown. Blood is being shed. People are walking around
black and blue, all in the name of love.
Several people in America even picked up practices like
Martial Arts, Kung Fu, and self-defense classes as far back as
last June, all in preparation for this coming Valentine’s Day.
In Washington, it was reported that a group of young
women, wearing ski masks covered in hearts, broke into their
high school’s football team locker room, each capturing two
lovers so they could have double the chocolates and flowers
this February 14th.
Just yesterday, there was an immense flash mob in Times
Square, with thousands of men falling to their knees all at
once, making Valentine’s Day proposals to bystanders in
hopes of finding a special someone to spend the day with.
Love is in the air. Literally. Phil Truffle, a scientist from a
small town in Minnesota compounded some sort of a love
chemical, spraying it into the air around him. When people
went outside to take that morning breath of birds and
sunshine, they automatically became infatuated with him. He
now has one-hundred-and-twenty-three people to spend the
day with.
“I just want to find a man—any man—who will shower me with
light pink roses and sunflowers and chocolate and jewelry.
I don’t even need him, just as long as he shows me his love
through the things he buys me. Except for dinner, I can’t go
out to eat alone. I would look ridiculous. I don’t think that
this is too much to ask for,” said Cocoa Amor, who has been
frantically searching for a lover for Valentine’s Day since
November. “I would do anything to find this man.”
Psychologist Dr. Eros Rose has been attempting to formulate
theories as to why this frenzy has erupted to an even greater
extent. “I have come to four different conclusions,” he said.
“Number one: Cupid had an enormous misfire. Number two:
people are willing to do anything for cute pictures to post on
social media. Number three: the human race has grown tired
of being alone on this day, so now has an incredibly strong
drive not to be. Number four: commercialism. That is all.”
Whatever the cause, just make sure to stay safe out there in
Love’s latest war zone.
Satire Page 25