A NEW OUTLOOK
With much of the uncertainly relieved after Brody’s diagnosis, the family began living a new normal until late in October when Brody developed a cold. Meals through Brody’s feeding tube became the most volatile. It was during feedings that the pulse oximeter displayed its lowest readings of Brody’s blood oxygen levels. During one particular feeding, the readings never came back up. Stefanie said 911 was called but the family decided it was time to let him go.
After Brody passed away, Stefanie said she felt not only a loss for her son but of her own purpose. She had always been a planner, but nothing she’d experienced was what she had planned. Brody was an infant, medically dependent, and she was caring for him 24 hours a day. All of a sudden, she found herself wondering, “What do I do now?” And the answer she received was to keep trying.
“It’s not my plan any more. I get that, and I just had to be more open to the present and what was around me, and what life had to offer, and to learn to let go of the control I thought I had with everything,” she said. “I now pray, try, repeat.”
Taking life a little slower to appreciate the little things gave Stefanie a new outlook on life and particularly with people. She recognized a genuine smile of a fast food server delivering her hamburger - felt compelled to say ‘thank you for being cheerful.’ She heard the contagious laugh of a stranger joking around in a checkout lane at the grocery store, and reacted herself with a giggle in gratitude. She then thought to herself, “What are they smiling through?”
“I just wanted to start saying thank you and appreciating life because no one has it easy,” she said. “I hurt every single day, but I wanted to say, 'That simple smile, despite whatever is happening in your life, means something to me.'”
Stefanie turned those thoughts into tokens of gratitude in the form of cards she gives out to people which state:
“My ten month old son recently passed away. Something you did just brightened my day, reminded me to be humble or grateful. Thank you. #BrodyMoves”
The hashtag memorial keeps Stefanie motivated to make the extra effort to keep Brody’s memory moving by acknowledging kindness with gratitude. It reminds her that she can do hard things, just like reinventing herself.
“People told me I was strong because I had lost a child,” she said, “but I didn’t feel strong. I wanted to believe them; I wanted to do something hard to prove to myself I was strong. Brody couldn’t move a muscle, but I could,” which is what led to her fulfilling a dream to compete in a fitness competition.
There’s not a day that goes by that she doesn’t mourn the loss of Brody, but there also isn’t an opportunity that she doesn’t take to honor his life with her blog, expressions of gratitude, and a desire to live life to the fullest.
“I have a huge change of perspective, and I know I can do hard things,” she said. “I want to share my story of overcoming hard things, of finding your own personal strength, and of having a willingness and empowerment to move forward.”
To read more about Stefanie’s story, go to her blog: www.betweenbrutalandbeautiful.weebly.com
Jennifer Weaver is an award-winning journalist and freelance writer.
She resides in Orem and is the mother of three children.
Photo credit: Karen Erekson