FEATURE
The Tell-Tale Tumor
Navigating Grief and Guilt After a Devastating Diagnosis
By Rachel Brix, CCBC-KA, CPDT-KA
Emmie was officially diagnosed with her brain tumor on Valentine’ s Day last year, although I think she had self-diagnosed several months before. I don’ t know if I could’ ve or would’ ve done much differently, as it was inoperable, and I know I would never have put her through radiation therapy( she would’ ve hated it); but I wish I had known sooner. She tried to tell me something was wrong, but I didn’ t quite get the message.
The tumor started whispering six months earlier when she began scratching her left ear to the point it bled. The vet evaluated her for bacteria and infection, found an exceedingly small amount of bacteria and put her on antibiotics. Em had always been extremely sensitive to her body, so it made sense she would notice a slight change in her ears, but scratching until it bled? The antibiotics didn’ t work, so the vet pivoted to allergies. This made sense also, as it was September by this time, and Emmie and my other dog, Apache, had seasonal allergies. We had also moved, and she had some skin issues the previous year, so maybe the allergies were manifesting in her ears in a new climate this time? Nevertheless, I sought a second opinion, especially since the allergy medication wasn’ t working either, and by now she was scratching both ears rather heavily. Besides the scratching, Emmie appeared to exhibit mostly normal behavior.
The new vet tried different medications, which seemed to help, but by this time, it was well into winter, allergies no longer made sense to me, and indoor allergies had never been a thing for us. I sensed something else was to blame, but those thoughts subconsciously lingered in the land of make-believe, where dogs never get sick. That“ something else” became obvious when Emmie’ s left side of her face atrophied. The tumor had spoken. From then on, she no longer scratched her ears.
I know Emmie knew something was wrong in her head, and all she could do was scratch at her ears to try to relieve the … sensation? Discomfort? Pain? She’ d been trying to tell me, but I didn’ t understand. I never made the leap from ear scratching to brain tumor, especially with no notable behavior changes. I know that even if we had been able to diagnose her back in August or September, the options were few, but I still wish I had known. We could’ ve focused on palliative care. Scratch that: I wish I had been more in tune with my dog. I didn’ t understand what she was trying to tell me, and it hurts. Like I failed as the primary caregiver to my
Photo: Rachel Brix The APDT Chronicle of the Dog | Summer 2025 27