FOR STARTERS columns
( TERRE ) HAUTE MOMMY KATIE SHANE
Just call me ‘ Mommy Vodka ’
No underage drinking was done in the making of this column
From now on my nickname , at least around my kids ’ school , is “ Mommy Vodka .” Yeah , if you think it sounds wildly inappropriate , you ’ re correct . Even for me , as someone who rides the line of appropriate actions , this is miles away from respectable parenting .
It was a couple weeks ago , a friend picked up my girls from school so my husband Ryan and I could attend parent / teacher conferences . As I picked the kids up later that evening , my blissful mood following positive teacher feedback was quickly interrupted as Dylan swung her backpack into my van . The pink and purple bag flew through the air and that ’ s when I saw it . It was a water bottle stuck inside a pocket of the backpack . What was once a Weight Watcher ’ s promo bottle now had the words “ Mommy ” and “ Vodka ” written on the top in black Sharpie .
I let out an audible gasp and demanded Dylan tell me if she took the water bottle to school . Please sweet baby Jesus , tell me she didn ’ t take it to school . Please . She clearly sensed my panic and immediately started to cry as she shook her head “ yes .” NNNNN- NOOOOOOO ! Well , it was nice going to that school , we ’ ll surely be kicked out and I ’ ll be explaining myself to CPS later today .
Before I tell Child Protective Services the story , let me explain . The water bottle in question had been used for years as a nonglass bottle to transport alcohol . Not in the way of like , “ Yes , this liquid is water – wink , wink ” but it was used during trips boating , to pools and other times when adult drinks are consumed , but glass is prohibited . Like any responsible parent , I had written the word “ Vodka ” on the top . That was after one disastrous afternoon when Ryan thought the liquid inside was in fact water . It was not . Wink wink , but it wasn ’ t funny .
Anyway , I realized that writing just “ Vodka ” on the top wouldn ’ t help when at the time , my girls were too young to read . They didn ’ t know “ Vodka ” yet , they did know “ Mommy .” So I added the word “ Mommy ” and explained that this water bottle was for adults only .
Well that summertime rule was forgotten by fall , and in a rush to get out the door Dylan grabbed it , filled it with water and left for school .
But wait . It gets worse . After Dylan dried her tears and I stopped hyperventilating , she told me that it was all okay because her teacher didn ’ t notice and the school security officer didn ’ t get mad . Wait . What ? Yeah , while at recess the school ’ s safety officer picked up said water bottle and asked to whom it belonged . Dylan raised her hand proudly . Confirming it was in fact water in the bottle , she was told all was good and she was free to play .
Yep , at the time I was just waiting for a phone call from THPD and CPS . My school principal husband laughed and laughed at the situation and offered advice ; call the school , throw away the water bottle , maybe even have a drink of vodka . Nothing could help the terrible feeling I had in my stomach , which turned into full blown nausea by the next morning . As much as I wanted to call the girls in “ sick ” and avoid showing my face at that school , I reluctantly took them to school , parked my van , took a deep breath and marched up to the door where both the principal and officer were standing to greet students .
“ Hi . Uh , I ’ m Mommy Vodka ,” I said to the officer , who I had actually never been formally introduced to before that moment .
He looked at me and instantly started laughing hysterically .
“ Do I want to know ?” asked the principal with a laugh . I quickly gave her the cliff notes of what happened , which thankfully she also laughed , after confirming that no child had actually brought vodka to school .
Whew , okay , so my kids weren ’ t getting
kicked out of school – at least not for this incident .
I thanked both the principal and officer , saying that I promise I ’ m not a terrible mother . They both commented that they would be laughing about this story the rest of the day and that “ Mommy Vodka ” should be my new nickname . Okay , but , no .
Later that week I told my girlfriends the story over drinks . Laughing about it , one of my friends ordered a round of shots to toast yet another one of my parenting failures . The server set the shot down in front of me and I stared down at the clear liquid . I didn ’ t even have to ask what it was , I knew and I just couldn ’ t do it . Even if it was served in a plastic bottle I couldn ’ t do it . Mommy Vodka wasn ’ t in the mood .
Katie Shane is trying to navigate career and family , while staying sane . When she ’ s not chasing her two young daughters , Katie enjoys spending time with her husband , volunteering in the community and visiting her hometown of Louisville . Katie can be reached at katieshanewriter @ gmail . com
6 Terre Haute Living • January / February 2022