Team Talk
The Gentlemen’s Club
How should a Godly Man go about pursuing a Godly Woman?
How should we, as young men, properly pursue a godly woman romantically, but in a godly manner?
Honestly, I'm lost when it comes to this. We men get all kinds of godly advice on how to be godly
husbands and fathers, or how to be godly single men, but what about the interim between the two?
How should a godly man go about pursuing a godly woman?
1. Prepare your heart.
As you take a good, long, contemplative look at your heart, what things do you see need addressing
before you begin to offer your heart to, and join your heart with, someone else's heart? Albert
Mohler has written a phenomenal piece on marks of maturity for young men. I wish I'd had such a
list when I was in my 20s. A good relationship will require from you a willingness to be authentic,
someone who is comfortable in his own skin, who receives his masculine identity from Christ, not
from the woman he hopes to marry.
So spend some time with God and ask Him to show you what needs to happen in your heart before
you move forward. Ask Him to reveal to you where, if anywhere, you are lacking in maturity, either
spiritually, socially or emotionally, and pray for His help to grow you up in those areas. For me this
initially came through a little book by the late Ed Cole called Courage. It was just the proverbial kick
in the seat I needed as a 20-year-old man. Among other things, it challenged me to read a chapter of
Proverbs every day, a habit that had a profound impact on my maturity, and one I continue 22 years
later.
2. Build your framework now for what you want your dating to look like.
No matter who God has for you, you can decide right now how the process of getting to know her
will play out. What spiritual disciplines, physical standards, meaningful activities, conversations, fun
stuff, will you incorporate into your season of dating? Remember, that season is pre-marriage, and
the habits you develop then will be the habits of your marriage relationship. Develop great dating
habits, and you'll have a great foundation upon which to build a vibrant marriage.
3. As you begin to narrow your focus on a young woman who stands out to you, slowly but
intentionally make an effort to get to know her.
Create ways for doing that that make her feel safe and reduce temptation for both of you, like
spending time together in groups whenever possible, and initiate some one-on-one conversation.
Here's a little conversation advice: Ask her about her. Without coming across like an aggressive
journalist, discover who she is. And here's another piece of conversation advice: When she asks
questions about you, provide a little more information than "uh-huh." I don't mean to offend you,
but I've heard from so many girls that that's what they usually get from most guys.
As for romance, my best advice is to become a student of her and learn what she considers
romantic, what she values. If it's flowers, then flowers. If spontaneity, then spontaneity. If quality
time, then quality time. If it's vacuuming, then vacuum. For my wife it's a combination of all those
and more. It took time for me to figure that out.
The most important thing is get to know her heart and respond to it. Getting to know someone is like
a dance—you gently lead, careful not to drive, push or drag her around. She doesn't want a
wallflower, and she doesn't want a stalker. The best resource I've found for discovering how to do a
romantic, godly relationship is the almost legendary teaching on the book of Song of Solomon by
Tommy Nelson, pastor of Denton Bible Church. Whether you're currently in a relationship or one
seems miles away, do whatever you can to purchase and listen to it now.
Blessings,
JOHN THOMAS
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