ArabBaba
How to have difficult conversations with your children
By Mostafa Hassan
Growing up, we all had difficult situations to contend with at various stages of our lives. Some may be more vivid and traumatic than others. Different situations may now allow us, as adults and parents, to reflect on how we felt or what we learned from those experiences.
We are a very important part of a child’ s life. The responsibility is often on us to find a way to explain, listen, support and follow-up with a child, especially, when it comes to having a difficult conversation with them.
These following four tips can be vital in allowing them to process the situation in a way that works for them, while providing the right age-appropriate information.
Several areas that are commonly |
addressed are illness / death, financial |
difficulties / job |
loss, |
relocation, |
separation / divorce, |
and |
world |
catastrophes. |
|
|
EXPLAIN
A 2 year old will be unable to comprehend a discussion about parents separating the way a 15 year old might. A 7 year old may see their favourite grandmother sick in the hospital and still have a conversation with her and it may be down-played, where as a 12 year old may be able to understand that she is having a surgery- why and what to expect.
The trick is sitting down with your child and explaining in easy to understand words.
If there are financial difficulties, simple statements like“ We don’ t have enough money this time but let’ s put this on our wish list” without creating panic. For a child, hearing that his or her father is out of a job and their imagination runs wild, thinking they will be living in a street.
LISTEN
A child may not often have questions immediately after hearing something. A reaction such as sadness, crying, anger, or worry may come immediately or days later. Look and listen for it.
You may find that you are watching a television show and a random question comes from your child such as,“ Does that mean daddy won’ t go on holiday with us?” This represents part of how they are processing and can be vital to a child’ s comfort when you actually hear them and can respond.
SUPPORT
Depending on a child’ s reaction, support is the most critical element. Their feelings( and chances are your own at that point) can be jumbled together and difficult to dissect. Holding their hand, creating a quiet and safe environment for them, being available to talk or just giving a hug, can provide that secure feeling that‘ everything is going to be ok’.
FOLLOW-UP
Follow-up with your child, when circumstances change. Ask if they have questions or provide them with the latest information on the situation. Discuss things that they are seeing in the news or hear at school. Talk about how weather patterns work, earthquakes or other worldly situations that concern them. Discuss what your feelings are on a particular situation, and how you are dealing with your own feelings.
One of the most critical areas to remember, is to relate to the child in a way that makes the matter clear;“ Mummy is very sick and needs to be close to doctors, but we will go and see her tomorrow,” for a 3 year old to,“ Mum has a disease called cancer that they are trying to fix through surgeries and treatments. So, we want to support her and love her and work together as a family,” for a 15 year old.
Be prepared to answer questions. Be willing to acknowledge your own feelings about the situation. Use this as an opportunity to be closer to a child, as you work together as a family.
Nothing is insurmountable when it comes to family.