KW : Dating is a combination of science and art . Youneed to have a more logical , scientific approach at first to determine the qualities , characteristics , beliefs , and other qualities you need in your ideal partner before you start dating . That ’ s the science part , coming into dating with a clear head and objective criteria of what you are looking for . After you start searching and dating , you have to find someone who possesses all of those qualities and find someone you can be yourself with , you feel comfortable with , you have chemistry with . That is the art and feeling part .
TAL : Does being a lawyer – working methodologically , fact-oriented , viewing things from various perspectives – help with finding love ? Did it help you to write this guide ?
KW : Being a lawyer and firm owner absolutely helped me solidify my dating system from a fact-oriented perspective and a systematic , logical approach . I had to objectively create measurable criteria to evaluate suitable partners for myself , and many of the techniques I used to interview potential dates are similar techniques I have used in interviewing attorneys and staff for my firm and dealing with team and people issues in the 25 + years that I have been leading and managing people . It also helped with the methodology of the Matched dating system .
TAL : One key proposal of that system is early screening . Why is “ profiling ” so important before entering a relationship ?
Early screening and “ profiling ” are essential to a functioning relationship , which is very counterintuitive . Most people get swept away with attraction to another person but have no real affiliation and affinity to be together . Those relationships usually do not last because you have very little in common . The beliefs , characteristics , and values that both partners share is the real glue that will hold a relationship together for a long time . That is why you have to know exactly what your own profile is , and what your ideal partner ’ s profile is . You have to be laserfocused on who you spend time with , effort and energy on , and who you need to weed out right off the bat . I personally was able to quickly sort out plenty of men ahead of time – people with anger issues , people who were not looking for long-term relationships , or people with a very different lifestyle from mine . All of which were red flags for me .
TAL : This sounds very methodical . What if love comes spontaneously and unexpected ? Do you not believe in “ love at first sight ?"
Love can certainly come as a surprise , it actually happened to me , against all odds ! I do believe love can come from an unexpected place , but I don ’ t believe in “ love at first sight ." What happens at first sight is liking someone or having an affinity , connection or chemistry with them when you meet . However , love takes time to grow and develop , and you really have to know the person for
COMMUNITY some time and develop a deeper connection and intimacy .
TAL : In your book , you are pretty open about your own relationship ( s ). The many anecdotes from your dating history make your book not only very entertaining , but also add authenticity and trustworthiness . How has your personal dating experience shaped the perspective of this book ?
I was very open about my own relationships because I believe in credibility . My personal dating experience definitely shaped the perspective from which I wrote the book , but I also added perspectives from other friends , both male and female , to give a more balanced approach and include as many common issues as possible . I actually wrote the book when I was single and used the system to find good quality matches and relationships for me and others .
TAL : Some of your advice is based on clichés – for example , men want to chase , have sex , and be the heroes – is that based on your own observation and opinion , or did you use any studies and statistics to come to that conclusion ?
There are plenty of psychology books , studies and statistics that underscore the clichés , as well as personal experiences . I did a lot of research while I was dating and writing the book . Like any other generalizations , they are not always true in every case , but are true in many . I am not saying that women do not like to help people , but when a woman chases a man , it throws off the natural balance of courtship and pursuit . If the woman does not let the man be the hero , which is often the case with powerful women , men might not feel needed in the relationship , and both partners will suffer .
TAL : Assuming we found love , how do we make the relationship last ?
The book includes a few chapters on how to make the relationship grow and last . Many people who are matched with the right partner will find that part actually very easy or easier , compared to previous relationships . Relationships are not hard when you are with the right partner . Yes , there are gives and takes , but great relationships should feel effortless .
TAL : Are Karen the dating expert and Karen the immigration attorney one and the same person , or are they separate ? In other words , how do you reconcile having two very different careers ?
I am the same person , but I have to put on different hats depending on whether I give immigration law advice or coach an individual on dating . I also wear a different hat as a mother , as a partner , and as a friend . I am using a different skill set in every situation , but I am still my authentic self . www . atlantabar . org THE ATLANTA LAWYER 17