PTSD and me
In 2020 after 21 years in the service , I was diagnosed with PTSD , and ironically , my diagnosis wasn ’ t down to one of the thousand distressing scenes I had attended ; it was down to a suicide of a colleague .
Our brains are incredible organs ; they can process thoughts and memories and create disturbing images . My brain tied me up , threw me around and spat me out ; that ’ s how it felt . I started to develop images of this particular colleague wherever I went . I ’ d wake up , and he was next to me ; he would be in shops with me , in the car . Everywhere I went , he was there .
Alcohol was the only thing that stopped the images , so no points for guessing what
After putting the wetsuit on the wrong way for the entertainment of everyone bar me , we walked out to the side of the lake . We were told to lie on the board , and the instructor slid us in one by one .
The second I touched the water , I started to smile ; I felt free . We were shown how to stand up , and after many failed attempts , I was up . Like Bambi on ice , I was up and down , laughing alongside everyone in my group .
The session only lasted 30 mins , after I sat on the side of the lake having a coffee and started reflecting . It was the first time in years I hadn ’ t thought about work , life stressors , incidents I had attended and the main one , the image of this particular person . happened next . My alcohol intake went up . The problem with alcohol is it makes you brave ; I found the more I drank , the more irrational my thought process became . I started to convince myself that the only way I would stop having the images was to end my own life .
Looking back now , I was probably only days away from doing it . Just thinking about it now scares the hell out of me .
A paddleboard experience day at Willen Lake
My family were becoming worried about me ; I wasn ’ t leaving the house , I wasn ’ t talking to anyone , and they had lost their father / husband / brother / friend and son .
They decided to book me in for a paddleboard lesson at Willen Lake ; it was something I had spoken about for years , and I kept putting it off until , one day , I caved in and went along . It was me and about ten kids , an instructor half my age and a rack of wet wetsuits .
I had found something that cleared the demons out of my head and made me feel free and alive . I had found something , on looking back , that not only saved my life but also brought Joe back to the people I mentioned before . That night I went online and brought everything I needed to go paddleboarding . My first SUP was an iRocker , bright orange , something I have now passed down to my son .
What next
In 2021 I must have paddled hundreds of miles leisurely , raising thousands for MIND and setting personal goals . In 2021 I decided I needed to spread the word about suicide prevention to stop others from being affected like I was . This is where I met the OLLIE Foundation ( One Life Lost Is Enough ); please check them out .
I decided I wanted to incorporate the sport that saved my life with a charity that means so much by doing something big !! This is where the English Channel crossing idea came alive .
85 s t a n d u p p a d d l e m a g u k