25
I thought I knew what a pit felt like when I was lost and lonely.
I thought I knew what a pit felt like when I refused to acknowledged what happened.
I thought I knew what a pit felt like when I doubted my abilities to be who I truly was.
Have you ever thought that your life couldn’t get any worse?
Like really, is this what rock bottom looks and feels like?
This is when you feel like your whole world has crashed around you and you have nothing else to live for.
This is when loss comes knocking at your door.
Yes, it did, it came as death.
Death of my husband, best friend, lover, spiritual parent, critic and soul mate. Battling for his life, his body was too weak to continue in this world. He left this earthly plane, leaving me and his 4 girls.
As I looked at his lifeless body, I felt cold.
How many times have you thought to yourself, this can’t be happening to me!
I knew a part of me died when he died.
At the moment I felt like my life was over, and I couldn’t survive another day without him. Days went by and I was just ‘here’. Doing all the normal chores, smiling when needed, giving the answer that people wanted to hear, ‘being strong’, having it all together and of course knowing what would be my next step.
It’s funny when you have lost something so close to you how empty you can be.
I didn’t like the way I was feeling.
I didn’t like the label of being a ‘widow’.
I didn’t like when people told me:
Be strong...... was that an option?
Keep praying........ I prayed to keep him alive!
He’s in a better place......then I want to go there too!
I needed to make a change, and I couldn’t do it this way. This way was not working for me. I didn’t see myself living this way on a long-term basis. I couldn’t see grief holding me back. I had a lesson to learn from this experience, and I made up my mind to start changing the way I thought about loss.
I remembered what our relationship was based on, what values we stood for, what sacrifices we made to get this far, the foundation we have built and the memories we created.
I had to push past pain and finally fulfill my purpose.
I first changed the way I thought.
I changed my conversation.
I choose my close circle friends.
I turned the page.
I re-wrote my story.
I choose to live happy, and these are the 3 things I did. It would help you push past any pain or loss you may be going through.
1.I did things I love. And funny enough, I had to remember what they were! With constantly choosing everyone first and always being the ‘reliable’ one, I forgot what things made me happy. I didn’t realize I made everyone happy, putting my desires on the back burner. I was always waiting for the right time, or the money, or even the occasion to do something for me. I forgot that I had value.
2. Became silent. I needed to shut off from things, people, even familiar places to really focus on what direction my life was heading.. I needed to find myself among the noise that was around me. I needed to ask myself some serious questions like: Who do I need to become to be the woman who gets back up after a fall? What is keeping me back from believing in myself? What am I willing to let go of? In my solitude I began to find my strength.
3.Acknowledge my ‘mess’ in my message. I had many sleepless nights thinking of the IF’s, BUT’s, COULD’s AND SHOULD OF's ….. It was never ending. The only way I could allow these thoughts to just pass through me, was to not dwell in them. I would think it, give an answer and move on. Every answer I said to my thoughts was my confirmation of me being ENOUGH. I acknowledged what had happened to me, the 360 degree turn my life had taken and decided that my loss/grief wasn’t a place to stay, I am just passing through.
I say all of this to remind you that you are not your circumstances.
You are not what others say.
You have value, and nothing about you is a mistake.
Believe there is an underlying lesson behind every loss, and choose to be fulfilled.
I finally found out what part of me died, it was my doubt, fear of failure, lack of confidence and disbelief in myself.
How many times have you talked yourself out of your dreams? Too many, right?
Just imagine where you would be now, if you only said YES to yourself years ago!
Just imagine living ON your pain instead of IN your pain.
Just imagine living your life the way you created it, and not defined by others.
Whatever image your mind showed you when I reminded you of how worthy and valuable you are, that is the image you want to hold for your life.
You deserve to be happy.
You deserve abundance.
You deserve prosperity.
Don’t let your pain stop you, but rather push you in your greatness.
You were built to deal with this.
Love always
Genielle.