Guilt flooded , filling the emptiness left by ejaculation . Every time it was the same . The hunger fled and Sean was filled with loss and shame . This time was different though . The guilt was there , more than ever , but there was fear as well . Sean rolled away , stared into the darkness . What have I done ? He sat up and slid off the bed . He had to get out , had to get away from her . He stole a glance at her and saw his own dread and regret reflected on her face . Oh Jesus , what have I done this time ?
1992
“ Stand there , and don ’ t fucking move .” Obediently , Sean held still . It was better to cooperate with Jesse . Let him have his fun , show everybody how cool he was , and then he ’ d leave . “ You move , I ’ ll kill you .”
“ I won ’ t ,” said Sean . Around him , a crowd of students had gathered to watch and laugh while others pretended not to see what was happening . Most of them were just thankful it was Sean getting the attention and not them . Jesse was a year older than Sean , and bigger .
Jesse closed the distance between them and attempted a complicated martial arts maneuver that he ’ d obviously lifted from a movie . It was the kind of idiotic jumping , spinning , kick that required practice and training , and was more impressive than practical . Jesse ’ s leg hit Sean at waist height with virtually no force . Jesse , already off balance , slipped and landed on his ass . There was a short burst of laughter and sarcastic cheering from the onlookers , then a hush as Jesse got to his feet .
The showmanship was gone . Only rage remained . Jesse threw Sean to the ground and began to pummel him . Fists struck his head , cheek , mouth . The pain wasn ’ t as bad as he ’ d anticipated until one crushing blow landed on the bridge of his nose . Sickening pain and a sour taste flooded the back of his mouth , the copper tastes of blood and fear . Sean tried to curl into a ball , but Jesse was on top of him , pinning arms under knees .
Then it was over . Jesse was running and the crowd had scattered . The on-duty teacher was walking over . Sean got to his feet and brushed dead leaves from his coat . Only one person was still standing there ; the new kid , Edward .
“ What do you two think you ’ re doing ?” demanded the teacher when she got into scolding range . She was addressing Sean and the new kid as if they were the ones responsible . It seemed to Sean that teachers didn ’ t care about who was responsible as long as they had somebody to blame . “ You know roughhousing is strictly forbidden on grounds .”
“ Sorry miss ,” said Sean . He knew the futility of reason in the face of any educator . “ We were just foolin ’ around .”
“ If anything like this happens again , you ’ ll be in detention until Christmas . Both of you . You hear me ? “ Yes , miss ,” said Edward . “ Yes , miss ,” echoed Sean . They turned away and walked deeper into the chaotic throng of playing , screaming kids , hoping to be lost to teachers and Jesse . Sean looked at Edward , who appeared to be walking with him . “ Sorry I got you in trouble .”
“ It ’ s okay ,” said Edward . He breathed a small , awkward laugh that made a pfft sound . It was the laugh of somebody afraid to be heard . “ I ’ m in trouble most of the time anyway .”
“ Really ? You don ’ t seem like a bad kid .” It was true . Edward had the look of a boy who spent most of his time reading or collecting bugs . He was skinny and pale , with dark eyes deep in his skull . He had messy black hair that reminded Sean of a mad scientist .
“ I don ’ t try to be ,” said Edward . “ I