I had no choice . I had to spritz an entire shaving cream can on my upstairs neighbors ’ apartment door . Liam and Wong Foo Muldoon- Fats had the legal right to keep their air conditioners running from May to September . I mean without stop . I mean that I could not go out on my terrace without hearing incessant whirring from hell . Liam and Wong Foo , who were residing in their primary home , a Long Island waterfront estate , ran the Manhattan pied-à-terre air conditioners for every moment of the entire summer . My only recourse was to aggravate them into submission--that is to say , nudge them to death . I took the shaving cream can in hand . I went up in the elevator . I stood outside the Muldoon- Fats ’ door . I pushed down on the shaving cream nozzle . With my years of summer camp hijinks in mind , I let loose with a giant squirt . I turned the door into a white tornado . I came , I saw , I spritzed . I did not conquer the air conditioners . I would just have to try to convince these machines to be on my side .
Professors do not behave like campers . Once upon a time pre-professor prepubescent moi spent years in summer camp . From going on raids to boys ’ bunks , to short sheeting beds , to stealing the counselor ’ s bra and hanging it on the flag pole , summer camp is the ultimate training ground for obnoxiousness . I learned my lessons well . No one would think that eminent feminist science fiction scholar Professor Sondra Lear would act like a kid in summer camp .
In this vein , my neighbors J . R . Ewingwitz and his wife Miss Yetta , two elderly and very well dressed Jews from Texas who divided their time between their Park Avenue apartment and the Dallas spread they called Shetlfork Ranch , couldn ’ t believe that I was the shaving cream spritzer . Since I thankfully had nothing against Mr . Ewingwitz , the shareholders would be spared from asking Ali Bhabha the doorman who shot J . R . I was in the lobby when the shocked couple approached me .
“ Did you hear what happened ?” asked Miss Yetta while removing her designer sun glasses and running her hand over her skin tight leather pants .
“ No . Are you going to tell me that you slaughtered a Shetlfork cow and had your pants made as a result ?”
“ Not at all . I am referring to the incident . I am referring to the vandalism . I can ’ t believe that there is a vandal running loose . Do you know who perpetrated the deed ?” “ Please be more specific .” “ Shaving cream . Someone smeared shaving cream all over the Muldoon-Fats ’ door .”
“ I am sure that the schmearer had a very good reason for schmearinig . I do not define putting shaving cream on a door as vandalism . It is property enhancement . The shaving cream made the door cleaner . The door is better off for the experience . She told me so yesterday .”
I took a more direct approach . With my lascivious French Canadian husband -- art historian Pepe Le Pew--in tow , I rousted Android the nefarious Super from his post supper snooze in his apartment and demanded that he turn off Liam ’ s and Wong Foo ’ s air conditioner . Android insisted that he had no legal right to do so . For once Android was right . Since we had no means to contact Liam and Wong Foo , Pepe insisted that Android use his cell phone . Pepe , with uncharacteristic assertion , grabbed the phone . “ You ’ re upsetting my wife . Why can ’ t you turn off your air conditioner when you ’ re not home ?” Pepe yelled into the phone . He got nowhere . I became the phone grabber . I was very clear . “ If you do not allow Android to turn off your air conditioner immediately or not sooner , I will kill you .” I knew that my utterance was legal . A verbal threat is not criminal sans a reasonable expectation that it can be carried out . No one ever engaged in phone call murder . The phone assured me that she would