ASK Dr. JOHNNY
Dr. Johnny wants everyone to know he is having an amazing summer vacation. He has been sexting celebrities and also water skiing twice a day on his break. Dr. Johnny has been feeling very underappreciated as of late. He wants to make sure that all his fans truly appreciate the commitment he has made to this magazine and its lame readers. He has other things he could be doing—he hopes you guys get that. He makes $80,000 a month just off his signature Kool-Aid flavors. He does this Q&A crap as a side hustle to pay for his addiction to silk scarves and gourmet Lunchables. He will do this magazine for as long as you guys show him the love and respect he so rightly deserves.
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I hope this correspondence finds you well. I really want to find a girlfriend this summer. I’m just bad with girls. They just don’t seem to get me. How can I find someone who understands I am a really good guy? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I get so many letters from losers asking questions just like this one. You can’t get a girlfriend because you’re pathetic. You are writing to Dr. Johnny and asking why you can’t get a girlfriend. I think the fact that you wrote this letter explains why you are such a dweeb and can’t get any vagina. Who asks retarded questions like this? If you were a girl, even an ugly beastly looking one, would you let a loser who writes something like this stick their rod inside of you? Get your shit together weirdo. Thanks for the question and interest! You are a personal hero of mine Dr. Johnny. It’s summertime and my girlfriend has put on quite a bit of weight since last summer. She wants to go to the beach, but I am ashamed to be seen with her in a bikini. How can I get out of going without hurting her feelings? You have a lot of options. Tell her there have been a lot of harpoon incidents recently involving whales at the beach and that might convince her not to go. Or, you can be less creative and just tell her it’s a “no fatties allowed beach.” Whenever a girl gets fat on me I just delete her phone number and tell her to give me a call when she loses some weight and knows for certain I won’t vomit at the sight of her. Once I was sat on after telling a porky that; besides that incident it’s been a pretty successful maneuver.
If she resembled a Drake—I would allow her to sit in the passenger seat and not the trunk when I pick her up in my Bentley. Dr. Johnny has a reputation to protect.
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You are a national treasure Dr. Johnny. This isn’t really a question; it’s more of a statement. I always think these ladies today are classy and refined until I follow them on Twitter or Instagram and realize they are far from classy. Have you also noticed this? I’m old school and stay away from that computer nonsense. Before Facebook you just heard rumors about your girl being a complete slut bag. The websites today have confirmed most of these girls are trifling and they leave technological proof for the world to see. I can’t even count the amount of times I have had my penis blasted all over different internet sites by these “ladies.” Just because I send you a picture of my balls at 2am, while intoxicated inside a Walmart restroom, does not mean you can plaster that picture all over your tweet wall. Show some dignity females. I am in love with this hot girl but I know she doesn’t feel the same way. Can I do anything to change her mind? What do you do when a girl just wants to be your friend? I’m assuming you don't have a penis or a pair of balls? I’m not even sure I understand this question. Is this a prank of some sort? A chick as a friend? A friend drinks beers with you, gives you a ride to the airport and helps you hide dead bodies. A friend does not ejaculate on you...not often anyway. I’m so confused…
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“Do you know why Dr. Johnny has never been broke or without a Dime on his siDe? because i chase the green anD the pink comes to me!”
Do you have a question for Dr. Johnny? Please send all uncertainties, queries and problems to [email protected]. I will do my best to respond to them in our next issue.
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This girl I am dating is crazy, but she is super hot; what should I do? I know there is nobody in the world better suited to answer this question than you Dr. Johnny. These girls in the street today are either ugly or crazy. It’s that simple. When they turn 13 they know what they are going to look like for the rest of their life and then proceed to be ugly or crazy. It’s hormones and science; it’s way too complicated to explain here, but I will give you an example. I have a side girl that is an excellent cook, pays her bills on time and is just as sweet as they come. Her only problem is she looks like a less attractive and heavier Sean Kingston.
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Long time reader, first time writer. Is it weird that this girl asked me out on a date? Shouldn’t I be the one asking her out? You have just been granted the ultimate gift my friend. Now, when it comes to the humping you don’t have to initiate anything. She’s in control of all the freaky business. You don’t have to open any doors or pay for anything. You are living the dream my man! Your only job is to look good on the date. I strongly suggest breaking out your finest ascot and purchasing a new pair of Prada boots. A man can never o wn too many Prada boots. I own over 76 pairs of them.
No. 027 THE STNDRD LIFESTYLE - THE ARTIST ISSUE
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