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SELF BLAME
SELF BLAME
A lot of teens will experience what is called “self blame” while in an unhealthy relationship. Self blame is when the partner
experiencing the abuse believes it is his/her fault that their partner is being abusive or violent. These feelings can be brought on by
the abused partner wanting to believe he/she can make the abuse stop. Often times the abusive partner is also blaming him/her for
the abuse in the relationship. Once the abused partner feels the abuse is his/her fault, they then believe they have the ability to stop
the abuse. Therefore, if the abuse continues they believe they are to blame. This feeling of guilt and responsibility can make the self
blame even more consuming and difficult.
Examples of Self Blaming Statements
• “Next time I will just stay out of his/her way when they are mad.”
• “I know it makes him/her mad when I do that, but I did it anyway.”
• “I should have known better.”
• “Now I know not to do that again.”
• “If I wouldn’t have mad him/her so angry, they wouldn’t have hit me.”
Here are some ways to help friends and loved ones who are experiencing self blame
• Remind them that the abuse is not their fault, talk it through with them
• Tell them that they are not responsible for their partner’s actions because they can not control their partner’s actions.
• Put it in a different context, i.e. If their partner was to shoplift, who would be responsible?
• Remind them that we are all responsible for our own actions. Reassure them that their partner chooses their behavior and has
the ability to make healthier choices.
Abusive/violent partners will often place the blame on their partners as a way to “justify” the abuse. For example: “If you would just
listen to me I wouldn’t have to yell at you.” By saying this, the abusive partners relinquishes themselves of all responsibility for their
actions because their partner “made them do it.”
Other Examples of Blaming Statements
• “Obviously you’re trying to make me mad.”
• “You know that pisses me off when you do that, but you did it anyway.”
• “If you would just have done what I said, I wouldn’t have hit you.”
• “Why do you always have to make excuses when you know what you did was wrong.”
• “You know what you did.”
Remember, you have a responsibility to take care of you. By getting to know yourself, it will get easier to recognize the differences
between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
Remember, it is your responsibility to:
• Determine your limits and values
• Respect the limits of others
• Communicate clearly and honestly
• Not violate the limits of others
• Ask for help when you need it
• Be considerate
• Check your actions and decisions and determine whether they are good or bad for you
• Set high goals for yourself!
If you don’t feel that your relationship has good communication, sharing and trust, you could be in an unhealthy relationship. If
talking to the other person about your feelings does not work, then you may want to end the relationship. Seek advise from someone
you trust!
LAKE COUNTY STATE’S ATTORNEY’S OFFICE • 2012
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community outreach - Teen Dating Violence: Teen Resources
TEEN