SPLICED STUFF /
FEATURE / THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE
ISSUE 06
By Ivo Visic
A good kill in Zombieville is dependent on a solid knowledge of anatomy that can be used
(with the hard and fast rule of double tapping) to good effect to immobilise or outright
dismember the zombie hordes approaching you – and their demise.
/ 1 / THE BRAIN STEM
This is where your body puts all its basic
functions for survival. Whatever your object
of choice for blunt trauma – aim at the back
of the head where the skull joins to the top of
the neck. Bruising doesn’t stop a zombie in its
tracks, the decaying brain not talking to the
rest of it will.
/ 2 / ACHILLES TENDON
Hiding under the desk? Got a knife? A
machete? Cutting the Achilles tendon at the
bottom of the leg will hinder your foe but
beware this can lead to the dreaded crawler
coming after you. The brain stem double tap
becomes a bit easier to administer at least.
/ 3 / CAROTID ARTERY
Depending on whether your zombie is
truly the undead or just the outcome of a
deadly virus (therefore being more prone
to asphyxiation) you can grip the carotid
artery. This is not a technique to use unless
the said viral-infested zombie is gnashing at
your face – grip your hands around the neck
with thumbs pushing forcefully in line with
the front of the ears. Eyes rolling back and a
groaning spasm indicate successful passing
out. Make your escape.
/ 4 / CERVICAL MANIPULATION
I’m a physiotherapist. I want one I can apply
at any time, all Rambo-esque. Again, applied
at close quarters - zombies have a way of
catching up to you – pull the top of the neck
18
Quick tip
NO.
7
LIMBER UP / If the film
Zombieland taught
us anything, it’s that
pulling a muscle while
escaping from the
zombie hordes is a bad
idea. Make sure you
stay limber, agile and
pain-free during any
possibly dangerous
outing during the
zombie apocalypse.
Quick tip
NO.
8
The crazies / Any
apocalypse is sure to
send even the sanest
people into a spiral of
loathing and madness.
Hey, it’s a stressful
time for everyone. Stay
safe and make sure
you keep away from
anyone exhibiting
signs of zombieinduced psychosis.
into extension and apply a sharp thrust of
rotation to the top of the spine. A satisfying
crack and a flaccid posture assure success.
/ 5 / CRUSHING INJURIES
Anything from steam rollers to industrial
farm equipment will suffice. A flattened
zombie is a useless zombie, even the undead
require the rotting pull of a muscle fibre to
carry itself along. Just make sure you crush
the entire torso. Flailing arms are generally
not that deadly.
/ 6 / MEDICATION
Hypodermics filled with botox (which is
derived from botulism ie food poisoning
toxin) will cause complete paralysis. Be sure to
deliver it directly to the heart to ensure supply
around the body. A serene, unwrinkled face
is another great side effect of this method.
Perhaps stuffing a corpse filled with valium
would provide slower zombies?
/ 7 / GET THE EYES
Poking eyes out or pepper spraying the hell
out of a zombies sight may not kill them but
it will definitely give you some time to get
yourself on the fast track out of there.
Zombie killing is an art not a science and
is largely reliant on how this zombification
occurred. Allow yourself to play around
but remember that zombies are just (dead)
humans too.