SPLICED COLUMN /
DRAWING CONCLUSIONS
ISSUE 04
Or its headlines, to be exact.
We've all seen them - garish red borders, black backgrounds and
SHOUTY, WHITE TEXT always featuring an exclamation mark
- the headlines of; let's call it The Constant Fun (because being
sued isn't) newspaper appears on most street lamps and corner
stores. Have you ever actually taken the time to read the words
emblazoned upon these effigies of ignominy, though?
I'd like to think of myself as a connoisseur, if you
would, of South Africa's ever-ubiquitous and most
popular daily newspaper's headline posters; hosting
a small but pristine collection of some of their finest
work. To me, the Fun's headlines weave a glorious
narrative in their simple, alarming phrases, oft free
of the repressive constraints of grammar in favour
of colourful slang and unintentionally hilarious
content. Now, I'm probably sounding utterly
condescending and judgemental, but bare with
me here because this deserves your full attention,
which sarcasm can garner far better than niceties in
this instance.
Think about this though; because what platform
tells the stories of the everyman better than a
newspaper? In spite of print's gradual death, most
people rely on the medium far more than TV,
radio or even the internet. A newspaper is easilyaccessible, cheap and targeted specifically at its
readership's demographic, meaning that if it's
going to sell well, it has to tell stories that people
want to hear. The Fun's true strength comes from
that virtue, because it tells the stories of everyday
people in a way that's relatable and meaningful to
its reader. Whether the stories are actually factual
isn't really the point...
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So, as I perform my everyday commute down
1st Avenue in Linden, I delight in my morning
entertainment of the headlines, because I'm
not just an English nerd, but also someone with
questionable sanity. So when I read them, it's not in
my boring, squeaky Ray voice, but rather in the eTV
'Friday Action Night' announcer's voice.
"KARATE GOAT HATES ME!" Now, read it in
the announcer's voice... "KA-RAHTEEEEE GOAT
HAAAATES MEEEE!" Isn't that just wonderful?
Did it not cheer you up immediately? That's
powerful stuff! More powerful than a curse on
a widow's panties or rude tokoloshe. Every day
I get to read about ghost toilets or murderous
farm animals, about guys getting their 4-5's (ask
your parents, kids) stolen by monsters or people
doing inappropriate things with poltergeists. It's
a veritable goldmine of the creative wealth of our
country, told by our people in all the earnestness
that an exclamation mark and all-caps can muster.
In fact, I'm actually amazed at the stories those
simple little phrases can tell. In three or four words
you can be transported into a storyteller's greatest
dream, an adventure of poorly phrased words so
beyond the sensationalist fare of other newspapers
that you can't help but feel compelled by their
shameless sincerity. There's magic in something that
reads: "HE LAUGHED AT DEATH - AND DIED!"
–(you know I’m reading this in the eTV voice now
right – Ed) it has a subject, a predicate, a scenario
and even a dramatic plot twist that fully grabs you
even though you have no idea of what's going on,
but immediately casts you into this glorious world
of over-exaggeration and excitement.
So go on, next time you're sitting in your car on a
busy suburban road, cast your gaze to a newspaper
that could only make your day sunnier, even if for
totally unintended reasons.
You may laugh at that, but do me a favour;
read this (actual) headline in your own voice:
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