COVER STORY
SO, LIKE DOMESTIC ABUSE VICTIM JANAY RICE,
WHY DO THEY STAY?
By Linda A. Osmundson
threatening to leave,
forcing us to participate
in illegal activities.
Abusers make sure we
have no money, keep
us from getting a job,
making us put our check
in to their account.
Abusers treat their
partners like servants,
acting like "master of
the castle," making all
the important decisions.
Slapping, hair-pulling,
kicking, biting…
battered women relate
a litany of abuse
experienced at the hand
of our intimate partners.
The results are bruises,
broken bones, black
eyes, internal injuries,
sometimes and death.
Always there are broken
hearts.
Finally, abusers use
the children by making
us feel guilty about
them, threatening
to take the children,
using the children to
relay messages to their
mother.
Over the past month,
stories of similar
incidences have become
part of a national
conversation when a
video surfaced of pro
football player Ray
Rice violently punching
his then-fiancee Janay
Palmer in an elevator.
Palmer, who married
Rice just a few weeks
after the incident, was
criticized for having
stayed with him.
Yet, most battered
women really do not
want to leave their abusive partners.
Many of the women who call
shelter crisis lines tell the staff and
volunteers that they just want the
abuse to end. We hope for fantasy TV
endings like the lives of Claire and
Heathcliff Huxtable or Ward and
June Cleaver.
So why do we stay? When the person
who had promised to love and cherish
us beats us, what makes us stay for
the second and third beating? When
I speak to community groups about
domestic violence, I am nearly always
asked this question. Often women in
the audience would exclaim, "If my
partner laid a hand on me, I would be
out the door!"
Imagine, for a moment, your own
family. Would you really be able to
walk out the door? Could you leave
your home, neighborhood and friends?
Where would you go? Could you, your
two lively children, plus the dog, stay
at your brother’s apartment on his
couch for an indefinite period of time?
What would his two roommates have
to say about that? Could you stay
with your parents who live in one of
those adults-only condos?
I would not be surprised if the first
time it happened you would help
your partner rationalize why it
happened. Your partner was (tired,
stressed, angry, drinking, jealous,
upset about losing a job or worried
about expenses). Any excuse will fill
the blank! YOU (made a mistake,
came home late, disagreed with your
partner, bought lunch at the mall….)
fill this blank with the reason your
partner says you caused the abuse.
But abuse is not about reason. It
is about power. It is about control
of one’s partner. And it works. The
physical abuse is only the most
obvious. It is reinforced by a whole
spectrum of other kinds of abuse.
We’ve already mentioned the excuses,
the minimizing and blaming, saying
it was her fault or it really wasn’t that
serious. Abusers isolate their victims
and keep them from having friends
or family around. They control what
we do, who we see, what we read and
where we go.
Abusers abuse our psyche and
emotions by calling
us unprintable
names, humiliating
us, constantly
criticizing us.
Abuse works because
many of us continue
to pretend it does
not happen to "good"
women. So anyone who
is abused must be "bad"!
We blame the victim for
her own abuse by calling
her codependent. We
expect her to prevent
the abuse instead of why the abuser
chose to abuse. In short, we collude
with the abuser.
Abusers succeed because they are
not abusive all the time. In fact,
sometimes they are fun and charming.
They are almost always charming
around other people.
Battered women stay because we
are afraid. We are afraid no one will
believe the truth. We fear we will lose
our children. We are afraid we will
have nowhere to go. We are fearful
we will not be able to support the
children. We are afraid our church
or family will condemn us. We are
terrified the abuser will hurt our
friends or family. Ultimately, we fear
we will be killed trying to leave.
Abusers are
All these fears are legitimate. Most
intimidating. I knew
battered women, killed by their
an abuser who left a
abusers, have tried to leave. Some die
single bullet on the
in the process of leaving and many
kitchen counter! It
are killed trying to start over. The
takes only a look, a
blood of millions of battered women is
threat, to instill fear.
Abusers are coercive, Domestic Abuse CONTINUES ON PAGE 10
www.spectacularmag.com | September 2014 | SPECTACULAR MAGAZINE
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