‘‘The Medical Self’’ 45
of-record—assessed, monitored, and limited these behaviors. Self-
prescribers approached these tensions in a variety of ways. Scott, who had
an infected foot, treated his own hypertension, since, he claimed, he
couldn’t get his MD to do so.
I’ve been treating myself because I can’t get a doctor to. My doctor
takes my blood pressure every once in a while, and it’s pretty
normal. But I can take my blood pressure all the time. So I’ll futz
with my doses—add this, that, adjust, etc.—and I’ve gotten the
readings I like.
When undergoing surgery, Scott even brought his own addictive opiates
as pain meds with him to the hospital ‘‘because the nurses made dosing
errors.’’
Other doctors drew limits on how much self-dosing they permitted
themselves. After all, not all self-prescription was equally dangerous or
worrisome. Yet explanations they offered could at times constitute ratio-
nalizations. Dan, the oncologist with chest mets, said about his operation:
I’m playing my own doctor, which is probably not the most bril-
liant thing. But as long as I’m playing my own doctor, being
conservative rather than radical, I tend not to be concerned.
Even these doctors had difficulty revealing their self-doctoring to their
physicians—not always disclosing fully. Scott, who self-prescribed ex-
perimentally, did not tell his doctor until afterward. Some never divulged
their self-prescribing to anyone. For example, Jessica, a pediatrician with
Hodgkin’s, secretly gave herself antidepressants.
From time to time I have medicated myself with Paxil. But I stop
because of fear of long-term side effects. I don’t go see a psychia-
trist, for multiple reasons: time and money, and I would probably
find it difficult to talk about very private, intimate things. My nature
is to be very private. So I medicate. I can write prescriptions for
myself. I usually use low doses. My sister was taking Paxil, and it
helped her, so I said, ‘‘I’ll try that.’’ I never really wanted to be on it,
but I needed it. I stopped after a while, but then needed to start it
again. Obviously, it’s altering my brain chemistry, and nobody really
knows how in the long term. So it makes me a little nervous.
Still, Jessica never told her doctor, even though variations in her symp-
toms implied that consistent treatment by a professional might benefit