‘‘The Medical Self’’ 39
I can tell she knows what’s going on. I know enough that this is a com-
petent person.’’ He still relied on his own medical knowledge in ac-
cepting that of his doctor. As he implied, increased trust of one’s physician
can diminish impulses to self-doctor.
Worsening of symptoms could also prompt heightened acceptance of
the patient role. Jim, the drug company researcher with leukemia, said,
‘‘There was no way to maintain any denial at all. I was sick—sicker than
most people I had ever known.’’
After treating patients for years, a few ill doctors were glad to have
another physician assume the responsibility and burdens of being in
charge. Bill, a Southern radiologist with HIV, said, ‘‘I play doctor all day
long. Part of me wants to be a patient who can trust the doctor to make
the decisions.’’ It should be noted that HIV treatment lay outside his
specialization.
Other physicians did not self-doctor, but for potentially less healthy
reasons. For instance, they sought to avoid accepting and acknowledging
that they were even sick. Neil, a neurologist with HIV, tried not to treat
himself, but did not want to hear about certain aspects of his medical
condition, either.
I cannot stand hearing lab results. I just told my doctor, ‘‘Tell me if
I’m doing ok. But nothing else.’’ I know that sounds crazy, and I’d
never recommend it for my patients, but I didn’t want to deal with being
sick. I didn’t feel sick, and didn’t want the numbers to make me sick.
Ironically, it could take denial to halt self-doctoring. Neil engaged in a
behavior (denial) that he would never suggest for his patients, but that he
pursued nonetheless, highlighting a disconnection that will be explored
further below. As we shall see later as well, other physicians neither self-
doctored nor consulted other physicians. Rather, they resisted the role of
patient altogether.
But adopting a passive stance as a patient had potential pitfalls: placing
one’s self and well-being wholly in another’s hands, despite potential
medical errors that might ensue. Jacob, the religious radiologist with skin
cancer, accepted the word of his doctor; somewhat analogously, he ac-
cepted that of God, too. He acknowledged that his approach with doctors
might make him vulnerable to medical mishaps.
I don’t ask a lot of questions. Just tell me what I’m supposed to do
next. I select a doctor, and that’s it. If the doctor makes a mistake,
tough luck. Doctors are supposed to make mistakes.