232 Being a Doctor After Being a Patient
be healthy relative to them. Physicianhood thus existed relative to patient-
hood, falling on the same continuum. When he was not feeling well, Paul
tried to focus patients on their problems. He realized that it was probably
not best for him to work then, but he often did so anyway.
If I’m not feeling good, it’s really difficult to listen to other peo-
ple not feeling well. Sometimes patients can tell. Other times, I
have to say, ‘‘I’m really not feeling good this morning, so we need
to focus on what we need to do today.’’ It’s much easier to do
that than to try to skirt the issue. Since my practice has only two
doctors, I work certain times when it’s not best.
As noted earlier, severely sick patients can cause added stress, remind-
ing ill physicians of themselves. Doctors became frustrated when they
were worse off than patients who nevertheless complained. When their
problems grew worse than their patients’, others then quit their practice
altogether. They envied patients’ milder conditions. Jeff, the adolescent
specialist, remarked:
With parents’ nagging concerns—a parent saying, ‘‘My daughter
doesn’t eat vegetables. Talk to her’’ or ‘‘My son flunked a test,
and he usually makes B’s. Talk to him!’’—I felt, ‘‘If you only knew
what I have to deal with—peripheral neuropathy and fatigue.’’ Life
is too short!
Frustration also arose when a doctor treated a patient who was health-
ier, but nonetheless on disability. David, the psychiatrist, said:
I’ve seen people on disability, and their numbers are better than
mine, and they have not been that sick. I think: ‘‘I’m working fifty
hours. You’re on disability: What are you complaining about? You
have no idea what trouble is.’’
At these times, ill physicians had to monitor and screen their frustrations.
Such health disparities could also prompt a physician to disclose his or
her diagnosis.
Whether to Return to Work
Several retired physicians, particularly some with HIV, felt better on
new medications, and debated whether to return to work. But return-
ing to one’s previous field, after being away from it for several years,