‘‘Being ‘Strong’’’ 223
I have thought, ‘‘Is it worth going on? Let me take all these pills,
and it will all be over.’’ That’s passed: I said, ‘‘This is stupid. You
have a life ahead of yourself.’’ But I have enough pills to kill an
army. I’m not sure why I’m stockpiling them.
Dan reasoned against suicide, but kept the lethal pill supply, wanting to
maintain the ability to determine his fate if he decided to.
Shattered by the experience of becoming ill, two doctors, both with
HIV, in fact tried to end their lives. Roger, a surgeon, attempted suicide
when his diagnosis and sexuality threatened to become public.
With one HIV test, everything came crashing down: my sexual-
ity, and choice of job. I was so ashamed and horrified, I didn’t tell
anybody. On my birthday, my friends took me out to dinner. No
one knew. The only way out was to kill myself. I took some meds
from the OR, and went up to the roof, which was closed after
midnight, and took all the meds. Several minutes later, two kids
came up. I was so embarrassed, I wanted to make it look like an
accident. I woke up in the ER.
Roger conveyed disconnectedness between his work as a doctor and the
rest of his life, using a dissociated tone. Alex said, ‘‘I’ve always believed
in taking control over one’s destiny.’’ He, too, tried to overdose, illustrat-
ing how hard it can be to reconcile radically disparate parts of oneself—
one’s illness and one’s coherent life as a healer. Some felt they could not
otherwise integrate these conflicting roles.
Coping by Setting Limits
Yet other doctors sought and found healthy means to reduce burnout
and psychological distress by setting limits in various ways. In essence,
they altered their conceptions of physicianhood itself, and doctored less
than they had before. Concomitantly, many tried to revitalize their per-
sonal lives outside of work. Such efforts sought to counter the worka-
holism and lack of balance that had contributed to burnout in the first
place. Some physicians restricted the size of their clinical practice or the
length of their career. Stan, an internist, reflected, ‘‘I used to say, ‘How
can I retire at fifty?’ I’m forty-three, so: ‘sprint to the finish line and be
done.’ Now, I say, ‘Thank God we’re not taking new patients.’ ’’