Double Lens 197
‘‘Oh, just read this article,’’ and assumed that I just wanted very
objective information. But I didn’t. I just wanted to be taken care of
like everybody else. They thought I could sift through all the data
and make my decisions. Maybe I presented that image, but I was
just as scared as anybody else would be.
These sick doctors had trouble reconciling these two responses (scien-
tific and simply scared), suggesting the degree to which two different parts
of the brain appeared to be involved: one part believed ‘‘the numbers’’
can comfort patients, and the other part sought, as a patient, emotional
support—not numbers alone. Indeed, functional MRI research has illus-
trated how different neurological areas are engaged in varying cognitive
and emotional processes (12). At times, wide gaps separated these con-
flicting approaches.
When seeing their own physicians, other psychological defenses and
social interactions prompted ill doctors to cling to the role of physician
rather than yield to occupy the position of a ‘‘weak’’ and vulnerable
patient. Jennifer continued:
I make it sound like it’s all these doctors’ faults who didn’t treat me
like a patient. But I probably participated in that, too: I may have
gone in there like ‘‘I know everything.’’ I was in my own denial.
Moreover, a number of ill doctors at first wanted ‘‘hard facts,’’ but
then found these difficult to accept. Walter wished to see his X-rays, yet
found himself then resisting their interpretation and the diagnosis. It was
one thing to want to be told ‘‘the truth’’ matter-of-factly, but another to
acknowledge it. He said:
Because I was a doctor, the technician showed me my X-rays.
I actually carried them to the radiologist. It was stupid: I didn’t
think it was tumor. My denial was such that even though this was
my fourth go-around, I thought it was an obstruction from adhe-
sion. I was totally aghast when the radiologist showed me the scan
and tumor was everywhere.
Walter’s hope overcame his intellectual appraisal of his own medical
history.
The approach of some treating physicians—to provide only the ‘‘brute
facts’’—suggested, too, both their discomfort with having colleagues be-
come ill, and their misunderstanding of patients’ needs.