‘‘Coming Out’’ as Patients 163
Colleagues said, ‘‘I don’t feel I know you well enough to say
anything.’’ I remember feeling that way, too. People just don’t
know how to bring it up. Another colleague, when I confronted
her, said, ‘‘Well, I didn’t want to remind you.’’ As if I forgot?
Here again, unstated workplace norms of privacy outweighed those of
camaraderie, closeness, and support. Colleagues may have information,
but not the right either to have that knowledge or to share it with others.
Implicitly, the consent of the person who is the subject of informa-
tion may be critical in determining who has the right to the knowledge.
Perceived rights of ownership of information thus vary, based in part on
how one came to possess the knowledge.
Colleagues may be aware, but not feel comfortable discussing the topic
because to do so is socially too awkward or painful. Ernie, with HD, felt
that none of his superiors at work—only friends—said anything to him
about his lethal HD diagnosis.
To ask a colleague about his or her illness, and risk being upset or re-
buffed, can take courage, too. Deborah, the psychiatrist with breast can-
cer, described a conversation with a colleague about this very topic.
She said, ‘‘All along I wanted to ask you, and just didn’t have the
guts. I don’t know how to approach you.’’ They’re not sure if
the ill person is going to reject them.
Deborah’s clear reserve no doubt contributed to her colleagues’ uncer-
tainty about how to raise the topic with her. She cautiously weighed in-
quirers’ interest against her desire for privacy.
As suggested, colleagues may question the exact boundaries of when
professional relationships should or do evolve and become personal as
well. Does a professional relationship have enough intimate, and few
enough political elements, to make illness discussable? Colleagues may
broach the subject and test the waters. Or awkwardness can make personal
issues utterly off-limits. Colleagues did not ask Deborah much about her
illness until she returned to work—resulting from, and causing, tensions.
One of the attendings never called me at the hospital, or sent
concern via other people. When I got back, she said, ‘‘I want to talk
to you. Come to my office.’’ I did. She said: ‘‘What’s wrong? Can
you tell me what happened?’’ I said, ‘‘I appreciate your concern,
but am really not interested in talking.’’ I had never really had