holies.
I closed the Bible with tears in my eyes, unable to finish the psalm.
Somehow I knew she’d underlined it for me.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said numbly, staring into the dim light of my bedroom
lamp. My mom and I were sitting on my bed. It was coming up on the end of January, the
most difficult month of my life, and I knew that in February things would only get worse.
“I know this is hard for you,” she murmured, “but there’s nothing you can do.”
“I don’t mean about Jamie being sick—I know there’s nothing I can do about that. I
mean about Jamie and me.”
My mother looked at me sympathetically. She was worried about Jamie, but she was
also worried about me. I went on.
“It’s hard for me to talk to her. All I can do when I look at her is think about the day
when I won’t be able to. So I spend all my time at school thinking about her, wishing I
could see her right then, but when I get to her house, I don’t know what to say.”
“I don’t know if there’s anything you can say to make her feel better.”
“Then what should I do?”
She looked at me sadly and put her arm around my shoulder. “You really love her,
don’t you,” she said.
“With all my heart.”
She looked as sad as I’d ever seen her. “What’s your heart telling you to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe,” she said gently, “you’re trying too hard to hear it.”
The next day I was better with Jamie, though not much. Before I’d arrived, I’d told
myself that I wouldn’t say anything that might get her down—that I’d try to talk to her
like I had before—and that’s exactly how it went. I sat myself on her couch and told her
about some of my friends and what they were doing; I caught her up on the success of the
basketball team. I told her that I still hadn’t heard from UNC, but that I was hopeful I’d
know within the next few weeks. I told her I was looking forward to graduation. I spoke as
though she’d be back to school the following week, and I knew I sounded nervous the
entire time. Jamie smiled and nodded at the appropriate times, asking questions every now
and then. But I think we both knew by the time I finished talking that it was the last time I
would do it. It didn’t feel right to either of us.
My heart was telling me exactly the same thing.
I turned to the Bible again, in the hope that it would guide me.
“How are you feeling?” I asked a couple of days later.