Sonder: Youth Mental Health Stories of Struggle & Strength | Page 74

MY OLDEST FRIEND CONT.
Come 7th grade, I began to form a solid group of friends. Things were going
alright, and I was starting to accept my body. That is, until I got word that
Marla Thompson was telling people I reminded her of a fat ass pregnant
donkey. From that moment on, I was on a mission to fix my body. I started
restricting but wasn’t consistent. I started weighing myself at least twice a
day and lost a little weight. Of course, it wasn’t enough, but my restriction
plateaued for a while. I would get hungry at the end of the day after eating a
few rice cakes and come home and nosh on junk. Then, came the exercise.
I would go on at least 3 bike rides a day and do my daily workout routine in
my room morning and night. My parents, concerned, took me back to my
pediatrician where I was told I was at risk for developing an eating disorder.
They asked my mom to get rid of the scale, suggested I see a therapist but
didn’t take any real action.
When 8th grade began, my eating disorder started to dissolve. I had just had
an amazing year at summer camp and was excited for my last year of middle
school. As it turned out, it was really just the calm before the storm. I thought
to myself  “I am going to accept my body, eat healthy, and exercise.” I promised
myself I wouldn’t become anorexic. However, what I learned, is that you can’t
simply deem yourself immune to an illness. Just as you can’t promise you won’t
get epilepsy or spina bifida, the same is true for eating disorders. The more
I thought I would prevent myself from having an eating disorder, the more I
realized I simply couldn’t eat. I began to rapidly lose weight and felt better than
ever. This time, though, I didn’t feel hungry after restricting; I felt energized
and in charge. The days before I was put into treatment I was down to eating 6
ritz crackers a day, and I had never felt better. I was still losing weight at a rapid
pace and when I did feel hunger it meant I was one step closer to accomplishing
my goal. Unfortunately, that goal was never accomplished, and now I realize it
was not an accomplishable goal. My eating disorder always wanted more and
I was never quite good enough. Despite this, I couldn’t leave my new friend. I
was hooked. The void that Kate, my elementary school “friends,” my family,
and Marla had created in me was finally being filled. By the time I went into
treatment, my heart rate was 43 and my hunger queues were completely gone.
It wasn’t enough of a story for me. It probably won’t ever be, but every story has
an end, I just need to find mine. ●
72  Eating Disorders & Identity