Sonder: Youth Mental Health Stories of Struggle & Strength | Page 69

I am sorry, mommy
Essay and Art by Bryn Tillman
My junior year of high school, a very serious eating disorder,
that I had lived with and contained perfectionistic qualities,
went completely full blown. I was absent most of the second
semester. I started really restricting my food intake and it
became an addiction far beyond my own control that started
terribly affecting my health. I lost a substantial amount of
weight. I lost my hair, I was always painfully cold, and I had
orthostatic blood pressure (Which meant that my blood
pressure changed dramatically which caused dizziness and
possible fainting). I developed bradycardia meaning that my
heart was too weak to beat enough times in one minute which
could have killed me while I slept or provoked a heart attack.
I was admitted to the best treatment program in the US for
eating disorders after watching my mom cry on my floor,
blubbering her terror in imagining losing her baby girl. This was
the moment I finally admitted to myself that I had a problem.
I was fed six times a day, which to someone with an ED can be
translated to facing my biggest fear in large quantities six times
a day-- 252 times over the six weeks. Most people have a skewed
perception of the seriousness of an eating disorder, dismissing it
as a choice rather than a life-threatening mental illness. Having
an eating disorder is surviving (because it sure isn’t living) in a
world filled with twisted guilt and void of happiness.
My mom and I, while driving the 45 minute long trek to
Children’s Hospital decided to name my eating disorder “beep”
Ed. This was so I could verbalize what my eating disorder would
scream in my head. The wars in my head were vicious and
aroused in me the most disgusting self-hatred; I was deprived
of peace even in my own thoughts. The one thing I genuinely
needed to do to survive, to eat, I could not do. I had always
had vast feelings of never being good enough, that if I did not
perform perfectly in every area of my life (in my social circle, in
school, in extracurriculars, in my own household, etc.) I was a
failure, unworthy of success and of love. I felt tremendous guilt
when I ate, linking my feelings of inadequacy to my weight,
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