Sonder: Youth Mental Health Stories of Struggle & Strength | Page 67

I am Beautiful?
By Katie Lin Merrill
People keep telling me that I am beautiful.
They tell me that I am beautiful as I push plates of food away from me.
They tell me that I am beautiful as I go whole days without eating.
They tell me that I am beautiful
They tell me that I am beautiful
They tell me that I am beautiful
When will people realize that this is not about beauty.
This disorder, This THING that afflicts me is not about being beautiful.
It is not about me wanting to be the picture-perfect Barbie.
I wish I could explain what it is about.
Pinpoint a single reason why I am doing this to myself.
But I can’t
I really can’t
I know I need to eat.
Logically I am very aware that my body needs food to survive.
That calories are essential.
But this disorder is anything but logical.
This disorder screams at me when I eat food,
This disorder screams at me when I look at food.
This disorder screams at me when I look at carrots.
I mean seriously... what is wrong with carrots.
So yeah,
I am frustrated.
I am angry.
I am angry at my disorder.
I am angry at the world.
I am angry at myself
because who the hell can’t even force themselves to eat.
And because I can’t explain it
Because I can’t give a reason why
They tell me that I am beautiful. ●
Eating Disorders & Identity  65