In your experience, have you
found that any of the following
a p p ro a c h e s h a v e w o r ke d t o
influence, motivate, and energize
your spouse?
Keeping track of the other ’s
wrongs with resentment, nagging
and criticizing without seeing any
good, judging and shaming from
a spirit of self-righteousness,
getting angry to the point of
showing hostility and contempt,
manipulating to achieve a selfish
or worthy agenda, blaming without
any acknowledgment of one’s own
faults, and fighting for control, not
for win-win.
I believe that we would all admit
knowing that these do not work
long term to influence the heart
of a spouse. But here is what
fascinates me. I have had some
people tell me that they know
these things do not work but they
keep doing them anyway. Why?
W h a t t h e y re a l i z e a n d t h e n
confess to me is that they don’t
want a close relationship with
their spouse and they know these
methods will sabotage intimacy.
Such people have told me that
they have a narrative in which
they tell others they are working
on their marriage but their spouse
32 • Solutions
isn’t responding. They yarn such a
story in order to solicit empathy.
For them, empathy from friends is
treasured more than intimacy with
their spouse. So, they put a spin
on the above tactics or tools. “I am
trying to get through to my spouse
by bringing up issues between us,
by being honest with my feelings,
and to light a fire under my spouse
to do things differently, but my
spouse closes off.”
However, this is putting a positive
spin on approaches that are
unloving and disrespectful. Yet,
they work at providing a story to
tell, keeping a spouse at bay, and
opening the door to a romantic
relationship with another. One can
contend, “I tried everything and
nothing works with my spouse.”
But this is comparable to the
classic trick of an alcoholic. He
intentionally gets in a fight with
his wife so she yells at him. He lets
himself be hurt by her words and
then feel self-pity. He can’t take
it, so leaves. He needs a drink. If
we are seated next to him at the
bar, he will tell us that his wife
drives him nuts. The facts are, he
provoked her so she’d provoke him
so he could go do what he wanted
to do: drink.
Some of us may not have been
“A” students in school, but when