Jottings
As she turned round to find for something to weigh down the balloon with the ring inside it , it floated away through an open door to the back garden and disappeared into the blue yonder . It hasn ’ t been seen since .
PC Corner
A family-run café is being forced to close down after the owners were repeatedly abused and called “ racist ” because they decorated their food with Union Jack and England flags . Tiny toothpicks with the miniature flags attached have been added to breakfasts since Cafe 164 opened in Hornchurch , east London , in 2016 . The owners say the wave of complaints is mainly from people who have never eaten there and got worse during the World Cup . Last month , they added that they had received so much abuse on social media over the novelty flags that they were closing but added , “' Patriotic and proud , not prejudiced .”
Gatwick airport staff have been banned from calling people “ love ” or “ darling ” The ban was brought in by bosses who say that the terms are “ unprofessional .” So the new rule was introduced after a string of complaints about staff being too informal or over-friendly ? No . It was implemented after one complaint . That ’ s one , as in “ fewer than two :” Just thought we ’ d mention it , dearie .
And while we ’ re on the subject , a female football team has called time on followers referring to them as “ ladies .” They say the term is offensive and suggests that women should stick to domestic duties . For more than 30 years Hackney Women ’ s Football Club has welcomed women but senior members of the team have now warned people to stop calling them a “ ladies ” side because it carries the connotation that they should . “ be in the kitchen and not on the pitch .”
Club player and Treasurer , Kristina Maddocks , said , “ It ’ s not offensive to be referred to as a ladies club but , at the same time , it almost is .” Well , that ’ s explained it all very clearly . She said its 45 members , 95 per cent of whom are lesbians , had “ grown tired ” of being referred to as ladies and preferred the term women , “ because that ’ s what we are .”
Victor Meldrew Corner
A three-bedroom house on a new development in Manchester Road in Leigh , Wigan , is on the market for £ 219,000 (€ 245,700 ). As well as the usual mod-cons , it offers one special feature guaranteed to make it stand out from its neighbours . The front gate is completely blocked by a lamp post . In fact , there is no room for a gate at all and visitors have to squeeze round the lamp post to get in and out . The builders have refused to comment , claiming the lamp post is not on their site . Meanwhile , the property remains unoccupied . Anyone know why ?
A roofer in Chingford has been fined £ 300 (€ 337 ) by Waltham Forest Council for carrying rubbish in his work van without being in possession of a waste carriers licence . The rubbish in question was a plastic carrier bag containing sandwich wrappers , newspapers and water bottles which were remnants of his lunch . Stewart Gosling was caught in a spot check by council workers who decided he was breaking the law and handed him a fixed penalty notice . His appeal has been rejected but he is refusing to pay and could be prosecuted . Waltham Forest Council maintain that Stewart ’ s lunch leftovers were being “ transported in a commercial refuse bag in the trader ’ s vehicle which requires a valid waste carriers licence .” Perhaps so , but as Stewart says , a warning would have been more understandable .
Water Sports
A white van driver in Ottowa has lost his job after being caught deliberately driving through roadside puddles in an effort to soak pedestrians . He was unaware that the car in front had a dashcam which recorded footage showing him apparently targeting three unlucky groups on the pavement . The company he formerly worked for has apologised .
A 22-year-old man from Bedfordshire has been offered a free visit to Southend pier provided that he , “ keeps his trousers firmly secured .” This follows his last visit to the attraction when he relieved himself on the wooden planks . It was all in a good cause , however , as he had spotted smoke coming up between the gaps and believed a fire had broken out underneath . While his partner called 999 , Thomas Watson said he used his initiative and emptied his bladder .
A Southend Borough Council spokesman said they had faith their sprinkler system would have sprung into action , but understood that Mr Watson , “ deployed his own sprinkler system to swiftly extinguish the miniature inferno .”
Animal News
Six crows , trained to pick up cigarette ends and rubbish , were put to work at a French historical theme park last month . The birds at the Puy du Fou park in the western Vendée department are sprucing up the park by use of a small box which delivers a nugget of bird food each time one of them deposits a cigarette end or small piece of rubbish .
Two people have admitted sharknapping at an aquarium in the US by wrapping the creature up and walking out with it in a push chair . They were caught on CCTV lifting the horn shark , named Miss Helen , from a pool where the public are allow to stroke the exhibits , before wrapping it in a blanket and taking it to their car . San Antonio Aquarium said they feared the Miss Helen would not survive but the thieves ’ vehicle was quickly identified and officers returned her to the pool . She is said to be none the worse for her adventure .
Quotes
Liverpool comedian Adam Rowe has won the award for the funniest joke at this year ’ s Edinburgh Festival Fringe . Here ’ s his winning line plus a selection of the other contenders .
“ Working at the job centre has to be a tense job . Knowing that if you get fired , you still have to come in the next day .” ( Adam Rowe )
“ I had a job drilling holes for water . It was well boring ” ( Leo Kearse )
“ I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism . If I don ’ t pay it back , I ’ m going to get repossessed .” ( Olaf Falafel )
“ In my last relationship I hated being treated like a piece of meat . She was a vegan and refused to touch me .” ( Daniel Audritt )
“ What do colour-blind people do when they are told to eat their greens ?” ( Flo and Joan )
“ I ’ ve got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends , but it ” s not easy . They keep moving the goalposts .” ( Darren Walsh )
“ Trump said he ’ d build a wall but he hasn ’ t even picked up a brick . He ’ s just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project .” ( Justin Moorhouse )
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
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