Soltalk October 2018 | Page 32

Emergency calls
Talking of emergency vehicles , people whose ambition is clearly to become a Jobsworth have also been giving their crews a hard time this summer . In Leicester last month , an ambulance crew attending an emergency returned to their vehicle to find an angry note on the windscreen . “ You blocked my driveway I waited 45 minutes for you to move . Please have some consideration where you park the ambulance ! This is not the first time .” Now the East Midlands Ambulance Service has asked the public to speak to them directly if they urgently need to leave their house and their access is blocked .
But after several such incidents , it ’ s good to discover there are kinder souls in the world . A crew from South East Coast Ambulance Service recently found a note on their windscreen , but it read , “ You ’ re blocking our drive . No worries , buy a coffee when you can .” Attached was a £ 10 note . Similar notes , often accompanied by cash to buy a snack , have been reported across the UK since newspapers began report the abuse suffered by some crews . Even more surprisingly , in each case where a bank note was left , it was still there when the vehicles ’ owners returned .
Victor Meldrew Moments
We reported last month about a house in Wigan whose front gate is almost completely blocked by a lamppost . In fact , there is no room for a gate at all and visitors have to squeeze round the lamp post to get in and out . Well , the Cheshire town of Congelton has gone one better and until recently , boasted a lamppost in the middle of the road . It stood proud and erect at the corner of Padgbury Lane for almost two months before being finally removed – and then , only after a resident had posted a picture of the traffic hazard on Facebook . Apparently , it was originally on the pavement but when that was reduced in width , the lamppost was left abandoned , unloved and in mortal danger of being hit by a passing vehicle . So while we ’ re happy that the lamppost has been retired from front line duty , we would like to know why the workers who altered the pavement didn ’ t report the resulting danger to somebody ... anybody ...
Last month ’ s Jotting on the arrival of mayonnaise-flavoured ice cream in Scotland , brought news from Herne Bay in Kent where Malcari ’ s ice-cream parlour is offering Marmite ice-cream . It seems there ’ s a standard version and then a special version , the Marmite XXX , for addicts . The reader who submitted the Jotting also claimed to have found references to Spicy Pumpkin Ice Cream and Cannabis Vegan Ice Cream .
Sean Davis from Ashford , Surrey was searching the police website for the chief constable ’ s contact details . Underneath the direct line for non-emergencies , he came across a text number for Police Link Officers for Deaf People . It ’ s labelled PLOD for short .
Council Capers
Leicestershire County Council has been ordered to pay damages and costs to a grandmother who they accused of creating child pornography . The woman ’ s supposed offence was to show them photos of her granddaughter ’ s nappy rash . The granny had claimed that the child was being neglected by her mother and was asked to gather evidence to support her claims . However , when she tried to show the photos to a social worker , staff refused to look at them believing that they were examples of child porn . After the grandmother made a successful complaint , the Local Government and Social Care Ombudsman ordered the Council to rethink its policies and pay the grandmother £ 300 for her distress and a further £ 200 for the time and trouble its staff caused . It also ordered that the council apologise for suggesting the grandmother “ might be considered a perpetrator of child sexual abuse .”
Good Advice
A judge at Exeter Crown Court wins this month ’ s Good Advice Award for his comments to a 38-year-old who claimed he could not afford the £ 5 cost of travelling from Exmouth to keep his appointments with the probation service . Luke Venton said that expecting him to pay this out of his £ 767 monthly Universal Credit payment was an infringement of his human rights . He was originally given a 12 month community order by magistrates for taking a knife into a pub , but he failed to attend a number of appointments with probation officers . The court heard that he sent the probation service an email reading , “ Goodbye for life .” Venton told Judge David Evans that he drank five nights a week and had no cash left after paying for his rent and food . “ I believe it is a human rights issue ,” he said , “ so that I can live an adult life and buy enough food . My type of adult life is to drink alcohol in the evening but it all costs money .” The Judge told him to stop being silly and warned him that he would be sent to prison if continued to be silly . Venton was also ordered to do 120 hours of unpaid work and attend ten days of rehabilitation with the probation service .
And finally ...
Jottings
Spare a thought for Cathay Pacific airlines based in Hong Kong which actually managed to misspell its own name in spectacular fashion . On one side of its airliners , somebody painted the company name in huge letters as “ Cathay Paciic .” When photos of the error went viral on Facebook , one wit Tweeted , “ I guess noone gives a flying F these days ...”

Quotes

Appearing on a TV quiz show must be a nerve-racking experience , causing the brain to turn to mush and the mouth to spew garbage . These are all genuine answers uttered by hapless contestants on well-known quizzes including Pointless , The Common Link and The Chase .
During what month of pregnancy does a woman begin to look pregnant ? “ September .”
Name a famous Arthur . “ Shakespeare .”
Which European country is Budapest the capital of ? “ This might be a stupid question . I thought Europe was a country ? I know they speak French there , don ’ t they ? Is France a country ?”
How many kings of England have been called Henry ? “ Well , I know Henry VIII . So ... er ... three ?”
Name a country that ends in two consonants ? “ I did Geography at A-Level but that ’ s about as far as it goes . Oh ... er ... Paris .”
What is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes ? ( Pause ) It begins with ‘ s ’ and rhymes with ‘ perm .’ “ Shark .”
In 1981 , Henry Fonda won an Oscar for which film ? ( Pause ) I ' ll give you a hint – it ’ s an anagram of Pond On Golden . “ Golden Pond On .”
Name the television naturalist the ' Attenborosaurus ' dinosaur is named after . “ Er ... pass .”
In the Lord ' s Prayer , what word beginning with H meaning ‘ blessed ’ comes before ‘ be thy name ’? “ Howard .”
What day is Christmas Day traditionally celebrated in the UK ? “ Wednesday .”
Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world ? “ Barcelona .” I was really after the name of a country . “ I don ’ t know the name of any countries in Spain .”
Grateful acknowledgement to the following papers from which some of this material is extracted : Daily Mail , Daily Mirror , Daily Express , Independent on Sunday , Mail on Sunday , The Sun , The Sunday Times , The Times and The Telegraph . Seen something funny , bizarre or just plain weird ? Contributions for Jottings are welcome by email to : sarah @ soltalk . com .
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