Jottings from previous page
had been replaced by the Union flag . “ Why ,” he asked , “ is the yard owned by Scottish Ministers flying a Union Jack ?” Mr Swinney reportedly failed to reply but , by October 5 , the offending Union flag had been mothballed and replaced by a Saltire , much to Mr McEleny ’ s pleasure .
Users on Twitter accused Mr Swinney of bullying Ferguson ’ s , while John Ferry , the Scottish Lib Dems finance spokesman , asked , “ Don ’ t you think there are real issues in people ’ s lives at the moment that need dealing with instead of this sort of thing ?” The Scottish Government meanwhile denied that Mr Swinney had anything to do with the removal of the flag .
However , Scotland ’ s desire to be at the forefront of technology was showcased last month in Inverness . Or , at least , it should have been … but the star of the show got lost .
October 6 was the date set for the start of trials for an autonomous bus running on a two mile route . The shuttle vehicle - which has been nicknamed Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Driverless Machiney - can carry up to 15 passengers and is being operated between the city ’ s Campus and Retail and Business Park .
The vehicles use laser sensors to guide their way through a pre-programmed route , but on opening day this system failed and the bus ground to a halt in the front of gathered press and dignitaries . “ It can ’ t quite figure out exactly where it is at the moment ,” said the driver Iain Craven . The Driverless Machiney was stuck for more than an hour until the operator , Stagecoach , gave in and had it driven home by a human being .
Spare a thought for …
… a ophthalmologist in California who had to rescue a patient who was clearly unable to understand the word “ disposable .” She wrote that the patient had to have 23 contact lenses removed from one eye because she , “ forgot to remove her lenses at night and kept on putting in new ones for 23 days in a row .” A gruesome video on Instagram showing the removal of all the old lenses has been watched by over a million people . investigation , Uber confirmed that the driver had set the journey destination as Ashton … Ashton near Adelaide in South Australia that is . The amount was corrected to £ 10.73 (€ 12.28 ).
… GCSE students who can ’ t tell the time . The Association of School and College Leaders in England says digital clocks are having to be installed in examination halls because the poor dears can ’ t understand traditional analogue clocks which have funny and confusing things called big hands and little hands .
Don ’ t spare a thought for …
… Pyotr Plihin , a Russian diplomat based in the Finnish city of Turku . A local man , Jarno Virtala , says he held a twoman referendum with a Ukrainian , Markus Mattsson , on the question of annexing Mr Plihin ’ s parking spot .
“ One hundred percent of the voters agreed and no disagreeing proposals were expressed ,” he said , “ so we decided to celebrate the results by painting a flag of Ukraine on the spot .”
The pair donned hi-viz jackets and posed as maintenance workers to paint the Ukrainian yellow and blue stripes on the space reserved by the local council for diplomatic uses . Mr Plihin now has to park his official Russian car on the Ukrainian flag and is reported to be unhappy , but city officials are reported to have said that the paint will not be removed .
Council Capers
Worcestershire County Council were left red-faced last month after people in Bromsgrove were quick to notice basic errors in some of the town ’ s road signage . Oakalls housing estate appeared as “ Oakhall ” on one sign , but as it is almost totally obscured by a tree , nobody seems to have noticed . More embarrassing though is the large green sign which directs motorists to the M5 North , to Stourbridge and to some strange city called “ Brimingham .”
Meanwhile , councillors in Great Yarmouth have decided against planting an avenue of apple , pear or plum trees on the quayside because it could pose a safety hazard . Officials warned that the fruit could fall on the pavement causing passers-by to step on them and slip . They also feared that “ fruit could be used as missiles ” thrown at holidaymakers by local hooligans .
In Brief
Wigan Athletic , who play in the English Champions League , don ’ t just measure up to the demands of top class soccer – they exceed it . A match against Cardiff City last month was held up for several minutes after it was found that the crossbar over one the goals was a couple of inches higher than the maximum eight feet permitted by the Football Association . An enquiry was immediately opened .
The Met , Greater London ’ s police force , is reported to have ordered thousands of pairs of size XXL trousers ( 40 inch / 100 centimetre waistlines , or more ) for its police officers , creating worries that Britain ’ s obesity problems are worsening . Clearly , the Fat Blue Line has arrived .
Jo Marie Perryman of Texas died on October 12 , aged 81 . At her funeral , every mourner was handed a card bearing a picture of an Ouija board and the message , “ Let ’ s keep in touch !”
And finally …
The best car park in the UK is in Birmingham . We know this because the dullest man in Britain says so .
He is Kevin Beresford who , you may be aware . has sent the world of annual calendars to sleep for the last 19 years or so by producing stocking fillers which are deliberately boring . His first was 12 pictures of road traffic roundabouts , and last year , his 2022 calendar featured 12 mind-numbing dull images of ordinary benches in Redditch . At its launch a year ago , he commented perceptively , “ Benches are brilliant … we all sit on them …”
… Oliver Kaplan who called a Uber driver to take him on the 15-minute journey from Hyde outside Greater Manchester to Ashton-under-Lyne and woke next morning to find Uber had tried to take £ 35,427.97 ( over € 40,000 ) from his bank account . After an
Now , his calendar for 2023 is available and this one features his best car parks in Britain . Kevin says he visited and photographed over 600 car parks from John O ’ Groats to Land ’ s End , from which he shortlisted a final 12 for inclusion .
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