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manager of the Adelaide business he
bought them from said, “I told him
that!” – and held his middle finger up to
the camera.
And finally ...
Dr Daniel Reardon, a 27-year-old
astrophysicist and research fellow at a
Melbourne University has been trying to
find a device to stop people touching
their faces, one of the ways which
scientists say the coronavirus can enter
the body. He was developing a necklace
which would sound an alarm whenever
anyone tries to touch their face, and was
experimenting with magnets to make
his theory work.
He tried first with magnets attached to
his wrist and then decided it might be
better if the magnets were positioned in
the nose, so he put one inside and one
outside each nostril. Which was fine ...
until he removed the magnets on the
outside. Physics kicked in and the two
magnets inside the nose clamped
together on either side of the septum
and could not be budged.
To rescue them, he applied two more
magnets to his nose which he hoped the
first pair would cling to. They didn’t,
and now he had three magnets in the
left nostril and one in the right.
“At this point,” he later recalled
wistfully, “I ran out of magnets.” But
undeterred, he applied a pair of pliers to
try to pull the four magnets out ... but
the pliers became magnetised as well.
His colleagues managed to control their
laughter long enough to take him to the
local A&E department for help, but the
drama was not over. When the three
left-nostril magnets were removed, the
right-nostril magnet became detached ...
and promptly fell down his throat. It
was recovered with a good cough and
the entire incident was recorded by the
hospital as “an injury due to self-
isolation and boredom.”
Quotes
“It’s not about me. Nothing is about
me.” – Donald Trump at a news
conference on April 19 which was all
about him.
“The Queen did more to comfort the
British people in five minutes last night
than President Trump has done in over
50 hours of self-aggrandising,
contradictory, inaccurate,
inflammatory, point-scoring addresses
to the American people during this
crisis.” – Piers Morgan, following The
Queen’s TV address on April 5.
“Don’t be a cutie pie.” - Donald Trump
to reporter who asked, “Will you be able
to assure that everyone who needs a
ventilator will get a ventilator?” “Not long ago, I found myself at the
wheel of a Ferrari Testadicazzo, or
some such name,” – Boris Johnson
talking in 2001 and now quoted in a new
book by Simon Walters who points out
there is no such car as a Testadicazzo,
and explains that the word is, “Italian
slang for d***head.”
“I don’t think I’m going to be doing
that.” – Donald Trump on April 3 after
announcing that the US Centers for
Disease Control had recommended that
all Americans wear a mask or face
covering. He also suggested it might
make him look foolish as he
communicated with world leaders. No
further comment required. “To my lasting regret, I told (Saddam
Hussein) that (smoking 40 cigarettes a
day) was his trouble and that if he
carried on, in another two years he
wouldn’t be head of state.” - Dr William
Frankland, a pioneering immunologist
and allergist, who died last month aged
108, talking about his 1979 consultation
with the former Iraqi President.
“Your bragging needs treatment.” -
Global Times Editor-in-Chief Hu Xijin
to Donald Trump after the US President
boasted that his country had carried out
widespread coronavirus testing. “The US
just tested 300,000 people by March 24,”
the criticism continued, “while China has
tested millions, at least 10 times that of
the US or more.” “There are more biscuit-related
accidents with Custard Creams than
any other biscuit.” – Health and Safety
official reacting to UK Government’s
decision to include the old favourites in
food boxes for the elderly and
vulnerable. According to researchers at
Mindlab International, the Custard
Cream has a risk rating of 5.63,
compared with just 1.16 for Jaffa Cakes.
Crumbs ...
“I’m just like every other parent around
the country.” – Ivanka Trump, daughter
of the US President, revealing that she is
using the lockdown to learn the guitar
and re-read The Odyssey – and has paid
her florist in advance. So that’s OK then.
“This is COVID-19, not COVID-1, folks.”
– Kellyanne Conway, a senior counsellor
to President Trump no less, failing
to grasp that the figure 19 refers to the
year in which the new virus was
identified, not to the 19th version of
anything. “You would think that she
would know that,” commented CNN’s
Don Lemon.
Quite so.
28
“To help with social distancing, please
walk on the right hand side of the stairs
going up and walk on the left hand side
coming down.” – Notice posted to
residents in a block of flats.
Grateful acknowledgement to the following
papers from which some of this material is
extracted: Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily
Express, Independent on Sunday, Mail on Sunday,
The Sun, The Sunday Times, The Times and The
Telegraph. Seen something funny, bizarre or just
plain weird? Contributions for Jottings are welcome
by email to: [email protected].