Jottings
from previous page
time, it’s all about the psychology of
tablecloths. Honest. The findings come
hard on the heels an Oxford University
study in 2015 which found that heavy
cutlery “enhances the enjoyment of
food,” while 2008 research from
Stanford University found that
participants rated the best wines as those
which they were told were more
expensive.
Now, it’s all down to the tablecloth
because researchers say diners who eat
off linen are almost 10 per cent more
likely to give their seal of approval to the
meal. Researchers in Germany and
Denmark have apparently shown that
the tablecloth used has the biggest
impact on how the quality of the food is
perceived, the amount eaten and the
time taken to consume it.
For example, in a group of diners who
enjoyed dim lighting and a tablecloth,
people consumed a mean 51 per cent
more tomato soup than those who ate in
dim light without a tablecloth. “The
neutral, gray-and-white checked
tablecloth,” says the report, “had a far
stronger overall effect on the length of
meal, amount consumed and enjoyment
than lighting level.” Who would have
thought it?
In a word
“We have really everything in common
with America nowadays except, of
course, language,” wrote George Bernard
Shaw in The Canterville Ghost,
published in 1887. Over 130 years later,
Paul Lynch from Morriston in South
Wales has discovered that Shaw’s views
remain as valid as ever after he was
banned from Facebook for “hate
speech.”
Paul breached Facebook’s “community
standards” by praising the produce on
sale at a local butcher, and questioning
whether or not anyone could regard
themselves as a true local of Morriston if
they didn’t buy the Tuesday special -
which happens to be ... faggots. To
compound the felony, he referred to
local Morriston residents as “monkeys”
which is an abbreviation of the
commonly-used local nickname
Morriston monkeys, thought to come
from the large number of monkey
puzzle trees which once grew in the area.
In the US, both words have different
meanings and are often used as terms of
abuse, and at first, Facebook stood by its
decision. However, once Paul explained
the local context of the words, they
relented and reinstated his post. Just as
well he didn’t go on to explain how
popular the faggots are with hookers in
the Welsh rugby team.
Our World
Within one week during February, TV
presenter Philip Schofield came out
publicly as gay, Ireland held its first
same-sex wedding ceremony, and
Woodside School, in Wood Green,
London, received over 200 abusive
messages from adults living outside the
immediate area after the zebra crossing
outside the school gates was painted in
the colours of the rainbow to mark
LGBT History Month. Just saying ...
Spare a thought for …
… Rosemary Riley of Skelmersdale in
Lancashire who popped into her local
Asda supermarket to pick up a box of tea
bags. Unfortunately, the 76-year-old
forgot to take her glasses and came
home with a 30-pack of Durex Thin Feel
condoms. Rosemary’s husband was
reported to be surprised.
... Deyvi Andrade who was caught in a
passionate embrace with his female
companion by TV cameras scanning the
crowd during the half break in a match
between Barcelona SC and Delfin in
Ecuador during January. Turns out
naughty Deyvi was cheating on his
partner, who has now dumped him.
... Dean Hague from Barnsley who was
left naked and embarrassed after being
“pranked” by his son-in-law at a water
park in Portugal. Seems the “designer”
bathing shorts he was gifted by his
loving family were made to dissolve in
water ... and did so as he descended a
water slide.
... Stacey Bunyan, a cleaner from
Canterbury, who was stupid enough to
post a selfie on Instagram while wearing
a Louis Vuitton pearl necklace she had
stolen from a client’s home. She was
arrested.
... Giovanni Palmiero, an Italian living in
London, who was told by the UK Home
Office last month that his parents would
have to confirm his identity if he wants
to stay in Britain after Brexit. Giovanni
has lived in the country since 1966 and
celebrated his 100th birthday last year.
And finally ...
A new flavour of Aero chocolate is on
the way! Bars of Aero Caramel were
spotted in the north of England at the
start of the year and are spreading to
other outlets around the UK. In 2010,
Nestlé released a caramel version of
Aero but it was discontinued, so its
return is good news. Even better, it
follows confirmation from Mars that
Mint Maltesers Buttons will become
available throughout the UK this month.
Plus, early intelligence chocoholic
reports say that Mini-Moment Kit Kats
(with a layer of crunchy Lotus Biscoff
26
lurking beneath the chocolate) are on the
way. But we will reserve judgement on a
six-pack of scented candles coming from
McDonald’s, each of which smells like a
different quarter-pounder ingredient -
bun, ketchup, pickle, cheese, onion, and
“100% Fresh Beef.”
Quotes
“The censor’s pen has been plucked
from the Lord Chancellor’s hand and
seized by the Twitter mob” – Trevor
Phillips, chairman of the Index on
Censorship and former head of the
Equality and Human Rights
Commission, on ITN newsreader
Alastair Stewart’s enforced
departure from TV screens.
“I need to check your thinking” –
Orwellian comment by Humberside
police constable investigating
businessman suspected of hate crime
following a complaint from an
anonymous “victim.”
“The UK - the land of the ‘woke’, the
weepers, the hand-wringers and the
overly ‘concerned.’”
– Janet Street Porter.
“You give a lot of ladies a lot of
pleasure” – HM Queen Elizabeth to TV
gardener Alan Titchmarsh as she
invested him with his MBE.
“Looking forward to visiting
Ahmedabad & New Dehli later this
month.” – Melania Trump too busy
Tweeting about her visit to India to
notice she has misspelled the name of
the country’s capital city.
“She’s going to end up like a mini royal
Kim Kardashian with all the ignominy
that goes with that title.” - Piers Morgan
on Meghan Markle (again).
“How am I missing the point? You want
to ban the word ‘pet’ but continue to
call your organisation PETA.” – Piers
Morgan to PETA representative.
“Gonnae no ride on the pavements. Just
gonnae no. Thanks.” – Notice posted by
a cycling group at Innerleithen in the
Scottish borders which seems to have
worked. Translation upon request.
“Understandable. He can’t read.” – Film
distributor Neon (whose sub-titled movie
Parasite won Best Foreign Language
Movie at the Oscars) commenting on
Donald Trump bemoaning the fact that
the accolade went to a South Korean film.
“We’ve got enough problems with South
Korea with trade - on top of it they give
them the best movie of the year?
What the hell was that about?” the
President complained.
Grateful acknowledgement to the following
papers from which some of this material is
extracted: Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily
Express, Independent on Sunday, Mail on Sunday,
The Sun, The Sunday Times, The Times and The
Telegraph. Seen something funny, bizarre or just
plain weird? Contributions for Jottings are welcome
by email to: [email protected].