Jottings
“thinking cloud,” while another redirects
the kids to throwing bean bags in the
“throwing zone.” A nursery owner in the
English Midlands says, “The term
‘naughty’ is one that has held negative
connotations,” adding that, “if you label
a child ‘naughty,’ it can become self-
perpetuating and harm their self-
esteem.” We have a better solution and
follow the safety advice given on TV
commercials for medicines: “Keep away
from children.”
Fun and games
Good news for the youngsters of a
Northamptonshire town and a chance
for the rest of us to wander down
memory lane. One of the best-loved
playground rides, the Witch’s Hat, was
banned for safety reasons 30 years ago,
but it’s back! The original conical swing
was balanced on a central pole which
wobbled unpredictably and had a high
risk of inflicting lethal injury, according
to a 2011 report by the Children’s Play
Advisory Service. The new version
prevents the swing colliding with the
central pole and has soft material on the
ground to protect those who fall off –
which was always half the fun.
The Ocean Wave, as it is more correctly
named, was invented almost 100 years
ago in Kettering with the last one
disappearing in the 1980s. We’re all off
to the town’s Wicksteed Park to play on
the Witch’s Hat– want to join us?
Talking of games, Monopoly is going all
hi-tech. The latest version will use digital
assistant technology - like the Amazon
Echo or Apple’s Siri - to keep track of
each player's money. Mr Monopoly,
with top hat and white moustache, will
be a voice-activated banker whose voice
is heard from a speaker shaped like a top
hat in the middle of the board, while
each player’s token will each have a
button so players can activate
transactions. Mr Monopoly will respond
to commands, such as “Buy Old Kent
Road,” and will keep a tally of each
player’s bank balance. The Jottings team
was worried by this as, of course, the
whole point of dealing in big business is to
be, well, not exclusively honest. However,
we were relieved to hear that there will
soon be a Cheater’s Edition of Monopoly
which positively encourages stealing
from the bank. That’s more like it!
Sexualising Sandwiches
A customer has complained on
TripAdvisor about an LGBT sandwich
sold by the Stag Cafe in Cardiff. The
complainant described the snack as
“sexualised” and had made him feel “not
feel like eating” when it was spotted on
the menu. “Sexualised Food? Eeeeeergh,”
he wrote. But the café owner has
described the comment about his LGBT
(Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon and Tomato)
sandwich as “ridiculous.” In his reply,
David Craig politely thanked the sender
and said he was sorry that the LGBT had
caused an upset. “We’ll even donate 50p
for each burger we sell to Stonewall
because clearly if a sandwich that may
just feature the letters L G B T makes
you say “eeeeergh” and “not feel like
eating” then clearly we still have a long
way to go.”
However, he welcomed the suggestion
made in the complaint of a Bacon Jam
burger (think about it), saying the
thought of it had given him,
“goosebumps up and down his body.”
Mr Craig concluded, “PS. We did think
of a Bigot Burger but it’s a bit old
fashioned.”
Animal welfare
What were staff at a Tesco supermarket
thinking of when they refused to make
an in-store announcement about a dog
that was suffering from the heat inside a
car parked outside? The German
Shepherd was left locked in for about
half an hour, according to witness, and
seen panting in distress. Staff at the
branch in Bideford, North Devon, are
said to have claimed they did not want
to upset shoppers by making an
announcement asking the animal’s
owners to return to their vehicle. When
the culprits finally turned up, those
showing concern for the animal were
faced with anger and abuse.
A Tesco spokesman apologised and said
that, “As a matter of principle our stores
put out announcements for the owner to
return to their car if dogs are left in
vehicles during hot weather.” In the UK,
under the Animal Welfare Act 2006,
leaving your dog in a hot car can be a
criminal offence. The RSPCA
recommends not being afraid of dialling
999 if a dog in a car on a hot day is
thought to be in distress or suffering
from heatstroke.
Spare a thought for ...
... Twitter users who mistook tributes to
racing pundit John McCririck for news
that their favourite fast food outlet had
stopped serving its trademark double
burger because the messages were hash-
tagged #RIPBigMac.
... a female customer at a Walmart
branch in Texas who accepted the dare
to open a tub of ice cream, lick the
contents, then put the product back in
the freezer. She now faces up to 20 years
in jail and a $10,000 fine.
... the boss of a Sheffield call centre who
received a condolence card from
26
employee Sam Baines advising of his
resignation from his job. Inside Sam
wrote, “My last day at work is July 28.”
... the leader of Switzerland’s air force
display team who failed to make a
scheduled appearance over Langenbruck
last month to mark the centenary of the
death of a Swiss aviation pioneer. The
Patrouille Suisse squadron got it wrong
and displayed their talents over
Mümliswil, 6 kilometres to the west,
where a yodelling festival was underway.
The yodel patrons are reported to have
enjoyed the unexpected show.
Quotes
“In June of 1775 ... our army manned the
air, it rammed the ramparts, it took
over the airports ...” – Donald Trump on
July 4, claiming the USA had airports 128
years before the Wright brothers made
their first historic flight in 1903.
“ (continued from above) ... and at Fort
McHenry, under the rockets’ red glare,
it did everything it had to do.” – Donald
Trump on July 4, moving the British
attack on Chesapeake Bay in September
1812 back in time by 37 years. The phrase
“rockets’ red glare” is from the Star
Spangled Banner which was written in
1814 about the bombardment of Ford
McHenry.
“I’m a very honest guy.” – Donald
Trump to reporters at the White House
on July 5.
“Me? US Ambassador? I have bigger
plans.” – Nigel Farage as reported by
Piers Morgan. (Consider yourselves
warned ...)
“We have been on air for almost half an
hour. Are you still in the Lib Dems?” –
BBC’s Andrew Neil interviewing Chuka
Ummuna who’s been a member of the
UK’s Labour Party, Change UK and now
the Lib Dems, all in just four months.
“Is Italy in Rome or Rome in Italy?” –
Joanna, a contestant on ITV’s Love
Island during July.
“Is Barcelona in Rome?” – Belle, another
contestant on Love Island.
“Barcelona is in Italy.” – Jourdan, yet
another contestant on ... etc.
Grateful acknowledgement to the following
papers from which some of this material is
extracted: Daily Mail, Daily Mirror, Daily
Express, Independent on Sunday, Mail on Sunday,
The Sun, The Sunday Times, The Times and The
Telegraph. Seen something funny, bizarre or just
plain weird? Contributions for Jottings are welcome
by email to: [email protected].