Smithereens Press Chapbooks 'Zero at the Bone' by David Wheatley | Page 11

MCDONALD
Not unless you fancy taking a ‘dander’
along the sands with a shotgun and a pointer.
MCALLISTER
A what? [Snorts.] Next you’ll be telling me there’s a panther
loose in the lighthouse. Haines, I should call you,
you Anglo-Saxon comedian. Would it kill you
not to say ‘gobshite’, ‘Jaysus’ and ‘gurrier’, please?
Call in the postcolonial language police!
MCDONALD
[Comic RP.] I’m sorry old man. [Makes rifle-cocking gesture.]
A chap’s got to be quick
on the draw if he wants to take a crack at the Mick.
MCALLISTER
[Mimics being shot in the chest. Comic RP.]
As long as you haven’t cleaned the confounded fridge out.
[Opens fridge. Stage-Irish.] Jaysus, he has! You gurrier! You gobshite!
MCDONALD
Bachelor squalor!
MCALLISTER
Perdue’ll be in a right snot.
MCDONALD
Nothing some light house-keeping [McAllister grimaces.] can’t put right.
[McAllister stares out the window, at a loss.]
I’ll cycle down to the village.
[Rises and claps him on the back.] You’re such a scream.
Without me, friend, you’d be as lost ???????????((?((